Pass the Tissues, Please

Last night, we went to Tom and Linda's for a music night. We've been doing this for months, and we have things down to a routine.

I, personally, have noticed some deterioiration in Don over the past few weeks, but I don't think he had really acknowledged to himself that there was any digression. He always uses his rollator (a walker with wheels and a seat) to get into Tom's, because there's no other way for him to get in. I shot Tom a glance when he came out to the car to help us in, letting him know that Don was going to need help. When Don first approached the back steps, he said something like, "Now, I think I can do it, but stay close, Tom." I knew better. He couldn't even make it up the first step without Tom's lifting his leg to help him place it on the step. He was exhausted by the time he got to the top. Then, he was just SURE he could do it alone when it was time to go back down to come home. Not to be.

When we got home, I could tell he was troubled. He laid down on the loveseat and closed his eyes, so I didn't bother him. When we got in bed, I asked him if he wanted to talk - and he did. We chatted for a while about the illness, what it's doing to us, how it's changing our lives, and how blessed we are to have each other and such wonderful family and friends. After we talked a while, his spirits were lifted and he was ready to go to sleep.

My life has had less tragedy than many - at least I feel that way. We've been truly blessed, both on the Ellis side and the Stewart side. I continue to pray for a complete healing. Until that comes, Don and I are pledged to making the best life possible for him. Tina Turner sings, "What's Love Got to Do With It?" I reply, "EVERYTHING!"

I'm Human - VERY Human

I have felt the stress of the holidays (and everything else) the last couple days, and today in particular. I allow how other people feel about me to completely dictate my life at times; this is one of those times. There is a person that I'm in frequent contact with who has made it no secret that they find it difficult to be around me. I honestly feel that I've bent over backward to pacify - but maybe that's wishful thinking. It's going to be necessary for me to be working with this person within the next few days, and I'm almost making myself physically ill with dread. Why can't I just put it out of my mind, let it slide off my back, and go my merry way? Don't know. I think just writing it out helps release a bit of the tension, though. I suppose it's okay that not everyone likes me. In fact, I guess it's okay that some people can't STAND me. But it doesn't make me happy. I'm not content with that.

So, I'm struggling emotionally - and hating it. I've been down this road before. I don't like the journey. I will make a conscious effort to turn my thoughts to positive things when negative thoughts crowd their way in. I will not dwell on hurtful things that have been said and done. I will be a better person for all that I'm battling. Okay. That's my positive confession. Now, to carry it through to fruition!

Life's An Adventure

Today, Don and I decided to visit a little restaurant near us for lunch, aptly named "Itty Bitty." It only seats 35 people, and I think that may be only if everyone weighs 120 or less.

Don opted to use his powerchair, since he's a bit weak to go far with his rollator. As we entered the place, there was a small table just inside the door to our right. That wouldn't work for Don. He didn't want the draft from the door. So, he chose a table on the other side of the room in the opposite corner. The place was crowded, so winding our way across the floor was an adventure. Don thought he would get behind the table, back to the window, facing the crowd -- so he began his grueling route. When he started through, there wasn't enough room between the neighboring table and the one he had chosen for us. After he had knocked the table about three inches in one direction and then the other, a voice piped up, "I don't think that table's supposed to be movable!" Man, was my face red!

He finally got himself situated, we ordered, ate, and made as hasty a retreat as is possible in a crowded room maneuvering a powerchair. You've heard of a bull in a china shop?

I've Gotta New Attitude!

As a usual thing, I dread the holidays. It's a change from my routine, and I don't deal well with change. I'm usually more busy than I should be (have a hard time saying "no"), and get myself in a tizzy.

This year, however, I seem to be dealing with things better. I'm already more busy than I need to be, but I'm taking it in stride. Things can only frustrate me if I allow it - right?

In the wee hours of the morning, Don's 94-year-old mama fell out of bed and broke her femur. She's undergoing surgery right now to put in a rod and pin. Now THAT'S having a heavy situation to deal with! She's complaining about having the surgery, but she's dealing beautifully with the pain issues (they have her on morphine now, but she wasn't doing much complaining even before the morphine). She knows what difficult times are, and I'm sure she's seen worse than what she's going through now.

It's all in the attitude. Some days, mine stinks! But controlling my fears and anxieties is something I'm growing into - a day at a time. The holidays hold no terror. I'm free to laugh, love and enjoy! Join me!