Sunday, January 23, 2011

I Can Do It Myself! Or Can I?

I've been around babies and young children all my life, including my own children and grandchildren. Not all young ones enjoy being independent, and they'll let you do things for them until they're 35 years old, if you're willing. But there are others who like to try their wings at an early age. I have no idea how many times I've heard a little person say, "I do it MYSELF!" While they're often successful in their endeavors, just as often, I have had to hold the cup, tie the shoe, form the penciled letter, and clean up the mess after they had reached the point of utter frustration.

Countless times this past week, people have said to me, "Call when you need help with something. Don't feel like you have to do it yourself." To be honest, I enjoy the feeling of accomplishment I have when I've tackled a new job and conquered it. I like the feeling of independence when I can fix things myself without having to call for help. I like watching things form and take shape under my hands. So, I try not to call for help often. And it embarrasses me when I DO have to make that call.

However, I'm supposing there are limits. At least, that's what my body is telling me. I doubt I'm going to turn over a new leaf right away, but it's something I'm having to consider. Call for help? Yikes! Even typing it makes me nervous. My motto for years has been, "If you want a job done right, do it yourself!" Yes. I'm willing to admit that I'm just a bit rigid. A perfectionist? I've been told so, but I think there are far too many areas of imperfection in my life for that label to ever fit. Whatever my excuses, I'm going to have to consider making some life changes. Lots of people tell me they're willing to help out. Maybe I should give it a trial run.

I know, if Don's condition deteriorates (which has been long in coming, Thank God), I will be forced to step outside my comfort zone and let people into my little circle. I don't want to wear them out before that time comes, if it EVER comes. So I continue to put up light fixtures, replace brake bulbs in the car, repair leaky pipes, and install new faucets. Why? Because I CAN.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Help! I'm Out of Control!

I'm discovering all over again that I don't like to be in situations where I don't feel in charge. Of course, those times come to all of us - having to rely on someone else to supply the solution. But I don't like it. I would much rather take care of a situation myself. Don't enjoy having to call on others for things I feel like I should be able to do.

I was the victim on Monday of just such a circumstance. I had a TIA. Not major (to anyone but me), but very disconcerting, nonetheless. For a short period of time, I lost the use of my left arm and my speech was barely understandable. The use of the arm came back totally, but I'm still struggling with my speech. I've found that it's worse if I'm nervous, anxious or agitated. (Me? Agitated?) On top of that, today my emotions are barely bridled. I can cry at the drop of a hat and drop the hat myself!

It's alarming and humbling to try to be expressing a thought, and, right in the middle of speaking it out, the words stop coming. They're still in my head, but I can't get my mouth to formulate them. If I simply stop for a second or two, I can either pick up where I was or start over. Although I've never been as articulate as many, I've taken a certain pride in being able to speak publicly without too much trepidation - especially when having to do so on the spur of the moment. Right now, that would almost scare me to death.

I've learned the last few days that it's hard to lose things when you've taken them for granted for years. Maybe I'll have to do what my sister-in-law did after her TIA. She found it hard to speak a thought, but she could SING it. My singing voice has been grossly compromised by years of abuse and, in recent years, by lack of use. But it's a thought.

So, once again, life goes on, despite the bumps and curves and detours. Just don't like it when anyone but God takes the wheel. I sit on His lap, and he controls the steering wheel - at least most of the time!

Monday, January 3, 2011

Some Laugh. Some Cry.

Don and I did some running this morning, stopped by Hardee's for some of their Mexican menu for lunch, then came home. As we were pulling into the driveway, we both noticed that the mailman had come. I pulled up and let down the ramp for Don to get out. He said, "Hey, you want me to get the mail?" On a side note - Don can't walk, and there's no way he can get up the front steps and lift himself to the mailbox to get the mail. Without missing a beat I said, "Sure. Just don't get the elbows of that white jacket dirty!" We both got a good laugh out of it. Morbid? Maybe. Coping? Definitely!