Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Help! I'm Out of Control!

I'm discovering all over again that I don't like to be in situations where I don't feel in charge. Of course, those times come to all of us - having to rely on someone else to supply the solution. But I don't like it. I would much rather take care of a situation myself. Don't enjoy having to call on others for things I feel like I should be able to do.

I was the victim on Monday of just such a circumstance. I had a TIA. Not major (to anyone but me), but very disconcerting, nonetheless. For a short period of time, I lost the use of my left arm and my speech was barely understandable. The use of the arm came back totally, but I'm still struggling with my speech. I've found that it's worse if I'm nervous, anxious or agitated. (Me? Agitated?) On top of that, today my emotions are barely bridled. I can cry at the drop of a hat and drop the hat myself!

It's alarming and humbling to try to be expressing a thought, and, right in the middle of speaking it out, the words stop coming. They're still in my head, but I can't get my mouth to formulate them. If I simply stop for a second or two, I can either pick up where I was or start over. Although I've never been as articulate as many, I've taken a certain pride in being able to speak publicly without too much trepidation - especially when having to do so on the spur of the moment. Right now, that would almost scare me to death.

I've learned the last few days that it's hard to lose things when you've taken them for granted for years. Maybe I'll have to do what my sister-in-law did after her TIA. She found it hard to speak a thought, but she could SING it. My singing voice has been grossly compromised by years of abuse and, in recent years, by lack of use. But it's a thought.

So, once again, life goes on, despite the bumps and curves and detours. Just don't like it when anyone but God takes the wheel. I sit on His lap, and he controls the steering wheel - at least most of the time!

1 comment:

Darla said...

It is so difficult for us first-borns to NOT be in control, isn't it? :( I am so glad you've regained use of your arm and that your speech is *almost* completely back. I've not stopped praying for you! Love you!