Sunday, June 7, 2009

Death of a Dream?

When I was younger, my life was consumed by gospel music. I played it, sang it, directed it and devoured it. Almost every dimension of my life was somehow touched by music. It was my gift - my minstry. A few years ago, life as I knew it changed. Due to certain circumstances, I was no longer in the ministry of music. To be completely honest, I was lost. It was like cutting off an arm or a leg and having to learn to function with some semblance of normality after the loss. My heart was broken, and my spirit was faltering.

Our lives continued to make changes, and, although God opened up other doors of ministry, music was not one of them - at least not in a substantive way. While I continue to miss it, I've noticed a change in my heart of hearts. I no longer need to minister in music to survive. While I haven't yet decided whether that's a good thing, a bad thing, or simply part of the evolution of my life, it's definitely a change. I quit listening to music at home a while back, because I found myself constantly arranging it for a choir or a group. And that part of my life was gone. Listening to the music just tormented me. I'm opening my heart back up to it again, and find myself able to listen for the pure joy of listening.

As doors in life open and close, we're called upon to make some adjustments that we hadn't foreseen or planned. I may never again in this lifetime actually have a ministry in music, but I'm getting better with that. I have other callings, other gifts. Nobler missions. Death of a dream? I don't really know. Beginning of a new chapter? Definitely.

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