Too old for new beginnings?

To Have a Friend, Be a Friend

2011-10-23T16:07:00.000-07:00

I've always liked people. They're interesting, funny, obnoxious, and valuable. Sometimes friends and family get a bit embarrassed at my knowing someone almost every time we go out to eat locally. I, on the other hand, always like to greet my friends - old or new.

My need to relate to people has been both rewarding and distressing. One young lady regularly shares with me her frustrations, questions and lack of faith. I love her dearly, but I can't seem to find exactly the right words to share with her to make it all better. A small friend, a four-year-old girl from church, hugs my legs tightly and tells me how much she likes me. "I want to go to YOUR house," she says. Priceless! I still see people I went to grade school with, and, of course, I simply MUST speak to them and make some kind of connection.

One of the greatest rewards of being friendly is . . . well, having friends! Real friends. Genuine. Nothing phoney or pretentious. Friends that know you almost as well as they know their own family, yet stick by you, laugh with you and cry with you. I especially like it when friends put their work frocks on, even though I never have the nerve or abandon on my own to ask them for help.

Since Don has been ill, there are lots of things that need done that he would have ordinarily done. I try to keep things up, but I've had a health issue or two that have prevented me from being as efficient at it as I would like. Last weekend, a dear friend from church (I've literally know him since he was born, so he's quite a lot younger than Don and me) had voiced a desire to come over this week and do some "honey do" things for us. Over the course of Friday and Saturday, we had 20 people show up to do various odd jobs around the house - painting, cleaning, re-hanging light fixtures and closet doors, and much more. They brought food and came wearing smiles. What a blessing they were to us. Projects that it would have taken me days to do were done in a matter of hours. We all had such a good time. There was family here, intermingled with lifelong friends and friends we've only had for a few months. A real mixture. A basketful of blessings.

Then, this afternoon, I was laying on the couch resting, because I've been sick this week. There was a knock at the door. I opened the door to find my grandson's girlfriend standing there with a little gift bag in hand. I didn't invite her in, because I didn't want to give her my bug. The bag was from Kristen and two other young ladies in the church (none of them married) and had baggies of goodies they had made by hand. How truly pleasant it was to be remembered. My heart was touched.

While my friendships sometimes bring a bit of discomfort or inconvenience with them, they're certainly worth having. Life would be much too bleak and lonely without a few good friendships sprinkled along the way. Are you friendly? Try it, you might like it!

A Time to Plant, and a Time to Reap . . .

2011-10-07T17:42:00.000-07:00

I've come to realize more and more the last few years that our lives are made up of seasons - some more pleasant (like Spring and Fall), full of vibrant color, heady scents, and pleasant days, and others more trying, with their hot, sultry temperatures, or frigid blasts of cold. But I continue to learn more about myself in these not-so-pleasant seasons of life.

Have you noticed how wonderful the air-conditioning feels on those humid, breath-stealing days of summer? Or how pleasant it is to dip your feet into the little stream at the edge of the woods? Maybe your pleasure is that steaming cup of hot chocolate, snuggled up on the couch with your favorite person/people and watching an old movie while the cold winds of winter howl outside your window. No matter the season, there are elements of pleasure, satisfaction and fulfillment waiting, if we're persistent enough to find and embrace them.

That's where I am in life. Don's illness continues to sharpen its talons and tighten its grip. Our 20-year-old house is having little problems of age crop up from time to time. My 63-year-old body is showing some signs of the years of not exercising enough, or, perhaps, of excessive use of certain muscles. But, in it all, I've found contentment in being able to spend these quality weeks and months with the love of my life. The tenderness of friends and family touches me deeply and gives me strength to face one more day. The ever-faithful love of my Heavenly Father encourages me and uplifts me.

There's no escaping the heat or the frigid cold of our lives. But I do believe we can keep it on the outside. Not be overly influenced by it. Some days, I find this perspective and sunny outlook more difficult to come by, but my goal is to recognize the seasons of life and glean the best from each of them.

Hanging On!

2011-09-26T09:45:00.000-07:00

The last couple of days have been a bit more difficult for me emotionally than usual. Sometimes it's hard to live by faith when you're dealing with reality. If you've never had to deal with terminal illness, death, or other misfortunes of life, don't be quick to judge.

I want to be "a woman of faith." Instead, I find myself becoming tired, more tired, and most tired - physically, emotionally and (yes, I admit it) even spiritually. I don't understand why miracles don't occur EVERY time we ask, if we're doing our best to live an upright life before God. I don't understand why miracles happen one time and not another. What's the formula? Is there a secret code? Doesn't God see or care?

I rest in knowing that He DOES see, and He DOES care. That's why He has given me some priceless relationships with special friends along the way. That's why He has given me such a special man to spend my life with. That's why He gave us two wonderful children, a precious daughter-in-law and five super grandchildren. That's why my extended family, on both sides, is so unbelievably supportive and affirming. He cares and He sees. Some of it is left up to me.

Even when I'm feeling my weakest, I know that I can hang onto Him. He never weakens, gets tired of supporting me, or turns a deaf ear. What a comfort! So, at the moment, I'm just hanging. Sometimes it's barely by a toenail, but "this, too, shall pass." I've put on my armor, and I'm standing my ground.

Ephesians 6:12-16

King James Version (KJV)

¹²For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.
¹³Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.
¹⁴Stand therefore, having your loins girt about with truth, and having on the breastplate of righteousness;
¹⁵And your feet shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace;
¹⁶Above all, taking the shield of faith, wherewith ye shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked.

God Still Sees Us.

2011-09-24T17:47:00.000-07:00

The last couple of weeks have brought more subtle backsets in Don's condition. The most recent and concerning is the problem he's having with his neck. It "aches" a lot and he has trouble holding his head upright. At the ALS Clinic yesterday, they said that those muscles are probably weakening significantly and suggested he prepare himself for a neck brace that will fit in under his chin and hold his head up. He's bucking it, but, at the same time, he knows he's going to have to change his thinking. So, I started the ball rolling this evening for him to get the neck brace. He said today has been his worst day with the neck problem. It almost seems as if his body is folding into itself.

Then, this morning, Dondra, Jeff, Julie, Emily and Stephen came over and cleaned out the garage quite a bit. It was fun to watch Don light up when they discovered some old relic he had been holding onto for years. And it was sad to see him struggle with getting rid of things that he was hoping to be strong and healthy enough to use again.

This evening, Don said he was going outside for a while. I watched him as he headed straight for the garage. He was in there quite a while - just looking around, he said.

I wish all the changes in life were joyful, pleasant and easy. Unfortunately, that's just not the case. It's important, though, to handle ALL the days of our lives with the presence of God close beside us. Finding those things for which we can be thankful. Laughing as much as possible. Enjoying the innocence of children. Resting in the acceptance of family and friends. Knowing that, through it all, God knows where we are.

A Little Step Back

2011-08-31T19:29:00.001-07:00

Much of my blogging has been about our dealings with Don's ALS. I suppose that's because this illness has practically consumed our lives - eaten us alive.

Don has done amazingly well for months now. However, the last couple of weeks have brought some changes. He has weakened, so I'm having to use the EZ/Stand lift to transport him from powerchair to bed, bed to powerchair, etc. Two weeks ago, he bristled every time I asked him if he wanted me to use the lift. Now, he asks for it.

Also, a number of weeks ago, Don had the hiccups for three days running. He was miserable. Once they finally went away, they hadn't returned - until today. He hasn't had them continually, but he's had them intermittently all day long. I deal well with much of what's going on in our lives, but I hate seeing him uncomfortable or in pain. This has been a very uncomfortable day for him. On top of the hiccups, he has noticed that his breathing has been a bit more labored the last couple days. What next?

I remind myself often, by reading God's Word, a song, or some author's inspired writings, that God is with us through all of this. Sometimes, I wish He would stand a bit closer. I feel like I'm groping for His hand when the days are dark.

I love looking at pictures of Don when the days were better and the sun shone a bit brighter. I have lots of pictures of him with the grandkids, playing music, or generally enjoying life. I treasure them. In fact, I treasure HIM! He has made every day worth living for the last 45 years. So, despite these little steps backward he's been taking lately, we're in it - together - for the long haul. We're winners, no matter how you look at it!

A Lasting Heritage

2011-08-05T17:10:00.000-07:00

My children happen to be fifth generation Christian believers (many of which are Pentecostal). I've always felt an element of pride about that. My great-grandfather was one of the first Pentecostals in his part of the country. I don't think I ever met a sweeter or more humble man in all my life than my Grandpa Robinson.

My memories of my grandparents (particularly my maternal grandparents) are of being with them in church, sharing hours and hours of music - singing and playing, and great family integrity. My parents continued that legacy with their children. I and both my siblings played music and sang in church all our lives. We've also been active in children's ministry and the governing body of the church.

Don's parents, while not having the Christian heritage to draw from that my family had, made their own history. Mom and Dad Stewart raised their seven children to know and love God at an early age. They made it clear that they loved each of their family, but their love of the Savior was all-encompassing. All seven children have continued to pass that love of God on to their children.

Don and I tried to continue that heritage with our own family. I know we made many mistakes, but as I look at our son and daughter, my heart swells with pride. Dondra has taken many reverses and backsets and has turned them into life lessons. She's one of the most gifted and caring people I know. Jeff and Julie have raised their family with the same integrity that I've seen for generations. Consequently, we have five grandchildren that are loving, caring, conscientious and (if I do say so myself) quite smart! Each time I'm with them, I marvel at the wonderful job Jeff and Julie have done. They've led by example. That's, of course, the best way.

Think my great-grandpa would be proud of where we've all come from and where we are. Life brings change, but some things are eternal. I'm thankful that we've remembered to pass along those things.

Good News and Bad News

2011-07-29T14:50:00.000-07:00

If you've followed my blog much at all, you're aware that I've had some health concerns of late. My heart/blood pressure seem to be doing weird things. At the last visit to my general practitioner, he asked me to schedule a stress test. It was yesterday.

I'm going to be upfront with you and tell you that I was a bit nervous. My pulse rate is so rapid some of the time (122 with no exertion) that I was afraid I might pass out from what they were going to put me through. There was absolutely no need for concern. The young (seems to me that doctors, police officers and service men and women are getting younger and younger) doctor's assistant was over-the-top kind and informative. My resting pulse rate was 115, and he said they would only need to get me to about 133. No sweat. I could do that.

After they hooked me up with all the little electrodes and did an echo, they put me on the treadmill. I was chatting with them, hardly exerting myself at all, when they told me the test would be over in five seconds. What? I had only just begun!

As it turns out, my heart, as a pump, appears to be healthy and strong. However, I seem to kick into overdrive at little or no provocation. I don't know what this means as far as future tests, etc. go, but I'm confessing that I'm relieved - at least, for the moment. I was quite concerned that they might find a problem. The only problem, it seems, is that I have too much stress. I find that laughable. I think the only way I'm going to get away from some of the stress is to die - and that's not really a good option!

A friend suggested yoga. I'm getting my treadmill back from Dondra so I can begin walking at home. Mom tells me prayer works (as if I didn't already know that). Lots of suggestions, but I'm looking for solutions

Not Grieving for the Past

2011-07-28T08:12:00.000-07:00

Don and I had a teeny, tiny scare yesterday. We were just preparing to leave the house and go to Marko's in Madison for a fish sandwich when he said, "Oh, I have the hiccups!" After our last experience with Don and hiccups, we both feared what might be happening. As it turned out, they lasted only a few minutes and were gone. We were grateful, and it got us to thinking.

We neither one dwell on what might be or what could have been or what's possibly lurking in the shadows ahead. We don't cry over things we've missed and things we might never be able to do again. We do, however, share countless stories of good times, memories we share, "forever" times we shared with our children, grandchildren and extended family and friends. I believe that's one thing that keeps our spirits alive and helps us go on, facing every day as a new adventure.

If we were honest, we would both tell you there are things we miss. It's sort of like losing a good friend who had lived his life in preparation for what's coming after. You grieve the loss, but you don't long for a return to normal. We may never get to take a nice long trip again. But we can certainly remember with laughter and joy the many nice long trips we've already taken. I treasure each day with Don. I value the things we CAN do and enjoy together. We're excited and anxious for the future. Who knows what God may have for us, right around the corner.

Plenty to Smile About

2011-07-11T16:45:00.000-07:00

I haven't been feeling the best for the last month and a half. I've had blood work done, and, so far, nothing is jumping out as being terribly out of line. What is elevated is only slightly higher than normal, so there's little to be concerned about. Only problem, I still don't feel "right."

So, Don and I both had doctor appointments today. As the doctor went down the list detailing my blood work, I became more and more confused - because nothing seems to be wrong. Makes me wonder; is it all in my head?

I came home from the doctor visit, however, counting my blessings. Don and I sat together in the small examining room and talked and laughed the whole time. How many couples who have been married 45 years do that? We're one that does - regularly. We chatted all the way home from the doctor's.

Since Don had a Culver's engagement tonight, he laid down for a short nap before Tom was scheduled to pick him up. Tom called saying he would be a little late, so I went ahead and loaded Don into the van and sat with him there until Tom and Jim arrived. The whole time, he was keeping me chuckling with his dry humor and sarcasm.

I love being with that man - even after all these years. He makes me feel secure. He makes me smile. And I know he loves me more than anyone else in this whole world loves me. Sure makes an over-the-hill 63-year-old feel like grinning ear to ear!

Can You Say , "Blessed!"?

2011-06-29T15:38:00.000-07:00

My last post was about Don's having hiccups for three days running. He still had them when we went to ALS Clinic on Friday for his every-three-month evaluation. While we were there, however, they stopped. The neurologist affirmed that he was experiencing a symptom of the ALS, but could give us no more information than that.

Well, I have some information for her. After being so weak for those three days that I had to use the lift or the gator belt several times to transfer him, last evening he had me help him onto the mower so he could mow the yard! Now that the hiccups have gone away, his strength has returned. He's right back where he was before Wednesday, when the hiccuping began.

I HATE the hiccups, and I've never had them anywhere as long as Don had them. It's no wonder his body was exhausted. No matter. He was almost as high in his breathing tests at Clinic on Friday as he had been the two times before. That tells me that he's holding his own amazingly well.

Blessed? You betcha! Thankful? Over the top!

Who Knew?

2011-06-24T19:18:00.000-07:00

Don rarely has the hiccups. I can probably count the number of times on one hand that he's hicced in the 45 years we've been married. That all changed this past Wednesday. He started hiccuping right after lunch at about 1 p.m. and continued right on through the evening until about 1 a.m. They would leave for 15 or 20 minutes, then come right back.

I knew something unusual was going on, so, of course, I Googled it. Right there, in one of my searches, it explained that persistent hiccups are a seldom-seen symptom of the respiratory involvement of ALS. Who knew?

We had ALS Clinic today, which is a several hour affair. Don had gotten the hiccups early in the morning and still had them while we were at Clinic. Some of the techs there were telling him different things to try to relieve the torment of continuous hiccups, and they were all quite surprised when I told them of my research and find. Our last visit of the day was with his neurologist, who is renown for her knowledge of ALS. She confirmed that Don's hiccups were, indeed, an uncommon symptom of the progression of the disease. She said, however, that she had NEVER seen the symptom in any other of her patients.

I think this is one time Don would have preferred to have been a part of the status quo. The hiccups drive him crazy, and it's nearly impossible to sleep soundly with someone who is hiccing. Maybe this will be short-lived. Hope so!

Making Each Day Count

2011-05-27T18:24:00.000-07:00

My uncle died this past week. That's sad in itself. But his life was sadder than most.

Much of his life he was an alcoholic. He and my aunt had seven children. Much of the years when the kids were small, he spent in a bar somewhere. But, in his son's eulogy to his father, I was struck by one thing. While my uncle had been drunk a lot of the time, he still took his boys hunting with him. He taught them to fish. He sang little ditties and jingles, and his son sang one to us word for word. He taught them to laugh. He taught them to have fun.

But, I think, most of all, he taught them that real love is unconditional. Some of his children have made mistakes. Serious mistakes. Maybe it was because he had been there himself, but he never let his love flow be dammed by disapproval or criticism. At his death, they honored that.

My uncle found peace with God a couple years before he died. He would call my aunt and uncle, who pastor a church here in town, and have them pray with him. They sent him CDs of my uncle preaching. Quite a turnaround. But, oh, the wasted years!

There are a lot of things in my life, even right now, that I wish were different. But at the moment, I don't want anything that seems to be disappointing or upsetting to deter me from doing what's right. I don't want others to affect my relationship with God. When it's all said and done, what have I left behind? I certainly won't have material goods, but I hope I leave a good name, beautiful memories, and a testimony that I loved my God, my family, and my friends. Let it be said that I made a difference.

Bulldog Tenacity

2011-05-19T10:05:00.000-07:00

I don't use the word "awesome" thoughtlessly. To me, few things are really awe-inspiring, outside of God. But I think my husband may qualify.

Don's younger brother, Tom, is over-the-top good to us,but he's also good to a lot of other folks. His time is taken by many different people in many different directions. So, as much as we can do things on our own, we try. We still need our sense of independence (especially Don), and we may HAVE to have more help at some point

This year, getting onto his riding mower has been a near impossibility for my honey. We've learned that, if we use the transfer board, I can actually help him in getting out of his powerchair and onto the mower. But it's a job - for both of us. Mowing the lawn is something that's especially important to him, though. And he doesn't want to give it up. Sort of a line he's drawn in the sand.

So, we decided that today would be the day that we would make the extra effort and mow the yard. He has to work so hard for ANYTHING he does anymore, and I absolutely stand in awe of his perseverance. I used to get upset at what I called his stubborness. He always insisted that it was a little incongruous that I considered HIM stubborn (he lives with me, you know). No matter my previous thoughts and attitudes, his willingness to hang in there despite the huge inconveniences has proven to be such a blessing. He puts me to shame.

I'm made aware every day of the things that we take for granted: walking, getting our own snacks, fixing our own meals, turning over in bed, languishing in a hot bath. When those are gone and you have to make do with whatever new circumstances present themselves, what's your attitude then? Don's is to attack the problem and find a solution. Think outside the box - sometimes WAY outside. Works for us!

It's a Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood

2011-05-09T18:46:00.000-07:00

Isn't it great to wake up with a sunny outlook? That's what happened to me today. I've been counting my blessings all day long.
1. Despite a few sprinkles, it was a beautifully warm, sunny day.
2. Don and I were able to get out and do some things together. I LOVE being with him.
3. I'm almost finished with my laundry.
4. Sat on the back deck as the afternoon came to close, eating blueberry yum yum and drinking hot coffee. Makes me smile to think about it.
5. Reminded myself over and over how blessed I am to be who I am, where I am, and HOW I am!

I can go to bed feeling that it's the close of a blessed day, with many more to follow.

Turning Over a New Leaf

2011-05-07T19:52:00.000-07:00

I've been plagued through my life with depression. Many think depression is nothing more than a spiritual issue. I disagree, but it doesn't matter. Spiritual or not, I've wrestled with it most of my adult life and much of my younger years.

One thing my "thought life" has done to me has been to make me feel inadequate in most areas. As much as I might like to simply turn over a new leaf and wake up tomorrow with different thoughts in my brain, it's apparently much more involved than that. I do know one thing for certain, though. My thoughts very much determine my mood and self-criticism.

The one area that I've felt most feeble in is parenting (and I'm almost in tears just writing it). Maybe I was too young. I know I was too self-centered. I also know I wasn't selfless enough to give the time and effort I should have given. I was rigid and expected perfection. As an older adult, it's one of my deepest regrets.

On the bright side (I AM talking about turning over a new leaf, you know), both of our children turned out to be wonderful adults. Our daughter is generous to a fault. More thoughtful than I ever was. And working to deal with her own insecurities more successfully than I feel I did. Our son has achieved more than we could have ever dreamed. He is affluent, focused and a man of great integrity. He is a wonderful husband, father, and son. I'm amazed at the juggling act he has to do to keep all his balls in the air.

Looking at them, I'm less critical of myself. I could not have been a total failure for them to have turned out as beautifully as they have.

So, what did I do right? I spent countless hours reading to them, singing with them (teaching them harmony and helping Dondra learn her chords on the piano), taking them to the park and on picnics. We took them camping and on fun family vacations. I always tried to model integrity and uprightness. And it was very important to me that they knew God's ways and were aware of Him in their lives.

I'm intent on not beating myself up this Mother's Day. I want to appreciate the blessings I've received by having my children. The joy they've given me (and I hope I've given them), and the pride I feel when I look at them. I'm believing it isn't about perfection at the task, but the end result. In that regard, I've been a HUGE success!

I'm Sandwiched In!

2011-05-02T11:58:00.000-07:00

I've heard of those who are in the "tween" generation, and I'm finding myself fitting that description more and more.

Life dealt us an unfortunate blow when Don was diagnosed with ALS 3 1/2 years ago. Recently, there has been some slight digression in his condition. I'm having to help him more and more when it comes to getting his pants up, and today he even asked me to use the lift to help him stand long enough to pull his jeans up and fasten them. So, I'm finding myself having to share a bit more time with him, simply to make life as satisfying and fulfilling as it can be.

A couple days ago, Mom fell and injured her knee. She didn't let me know anything about it until the next day. Since I live the closest of the three kids (and Gary's on a cruise anyway, so he couldn't help), it often falls my lot to take care of minor situations that may arise with my mom. In this case, I went over on Saturday evening and decided, after looking at her knee, that we should at least have it x-rayed. She agreed (much to my surprise), and I spent the evening sitting in the E.R. with her. As it turned out, the knee was not broken. That was good news. They wrapped it and sent her home.

Yesterday, we picked up dinner for her when we were out with our two grandsons and Kristen for lunch. I called again yesterday evening to check on her. This morning, she had a couple things she asked me to do for her "if I happened to be out." So I shook her rugs, swept the house, ran the little hand sweeper on the livingroom carpet and mopped while I was there. Said my quick goodbyes as soon as I finished and came back home.

It's laundry day at my house, so I'm doing that as well as trying to keep up with the daily things that require my attention.

I would be lying if I said I never feel like I'm overwhelmed and need a bit more breathing space. On the flipside, I'm so blessed to be able to care for two of the sweetest people in the world. They're neither one complainers, and they're each one grateful for anything you do for them.

So, yes. I'm definitely sandwiched in. But it must be a BLT (one of my favorites), because it only tastes good!

It Takes a Little Perseverance

2011-04-21T16:19:00.000-07:00

We've had an unusual amount of storms and rain so far this season. In the midst of that, my sweet brother came and did some brick-laying for me. He made a border around what was supposed to be marigolds in front of the house (I have tons of hostas coming up voluntarily), a nice border down the side of the house, and a walkway/patio in the back by the steps and ramp.

I've had little luck getting anything to grow at the front end of my bed on the side of the house. When it rains, the water pours over there, and it washes away anything that's planted. I told Gary to go ahead and brick it up; nothing grew there anyway.

You can imagine my surprise when I walked out the other morning and saw these fragile little green leaves sticking up from between the bricks. In fact, they had actually lifted the brick to get to the sun. What perseverance!

I've had at least a couple lessons in recent weeks about "hanging in there." Not only do I have tulips popping through where everything was against it, but the hostas that I dug up and destroyed over a year ago are coming through like gangbusters. What happened?

I'm convinced that the will to live is a force to be reckoned with. When Don was ill and they were giving us little hope, we could always see his determination shining through, even on the darkest days. He beat the odds - just like the tulips and hostas. Circumstances may come that we can't control. Hang in there. Illness may overrun your body and try to dim your spirit. Hang in there. Stress may come at you from every side. Hang in there. It just takes a little perseverance to win against all odds!

Reminding Myself to Be Still

2011-04-15T15:56:00.000-07:00

I had a routine doctor appointment this week. Overall, I'm doing great, but I've experienced a bit of a problem with anxiety and resultant acid reflux. The doctor knows both me and Don and knows our situation. He advised me to take a sleep aid (generic Ambien) every night and to start back up on Lexapro. I took Lexapro a number of years ago for depression and was a little surprised that he would prescribe it for my tension. I told him I didn't want to rely on the sleeping pills, and neither did I intend to take a whole Lexapro. He, in turn, reminded me that, if I didn't take care of myself, I would be incapable of taking adequate care of Don. Good point.

So, night before last, I cut both the sleeping pill and Lexapro in half and took half a pill of each. I slept okay until about 3 a.m., then was pretty much awake the rest of the night. Last night, I tried it again. Bad idea! I didn't sleep a wink all night long, and had to be at the dentist's office at 9 a.m. this morning!

I told Don the other day that I feel like I'm doing the work of two people - me and him. I'll make my list of jobs that I need to get done on a specific day, then he'll decide that he "needs" to do something. Obviously, I end up helping him with whatever it is he decides needs doing, because he simply isn't able to do it all himself. I was supposed to scrub the kitchen floor and cut his hair day before yesterday, and he decided to pull himself onto his riding mower and mow the lawn. I, of course, had to put my plans aside and see that he got on the mower safely, then I had to weed-eat and blow off the driveway and walks. What gives? Since I'm a type A personality, it bothers me to have a plan and be unable to execute it.

I've tried the meds, and may try them again later, but that's not an ideal solution. Matthew 11:28 says: "Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." I believe I can apply that to my present situation. I'm thinking I need to rest in the Lord. A friend whose husband has battled ALS 14 years now told me she can't survive without her personal daily devotion time. I've become so busy (especially in the morning) that it's hard to put that time aside. But I must. So, the last couple days, even no sleep and an early dentist appointment in Alton didn't keep me from the Word. My acid reflux is definitely better, and I know I'm feeling less stressed. A hoax? Maybe. But I believe the answer to my problem is in being still in Him. Realizing that I can't do everything, and not expecting myself to do it all or be it all. I'm learning a lesson, but it involves reminding myself daily to settle down, chill out, don't sweat the small stuff!

Time (and ALS) Marches On

2011-04-11T16:31:00.000-07:00

Don has been telling me for quite some time (and telling anyone else who will listen) that he thinks he can still walk a little bit with the rollator - the walker with a seat and four wheels. I was a bit doubtful, but didn't want to discourage him. So, yesterday, I went out and got one of the rollators out of the back garage and brought it in. He was too tired to try it last night, but wanted to attempt a few steps this morning. He tried - repeatedly - to lift himself. After numerous tries, he finally shakily stood all bent over, but hanging onto the rollator. He only stood a few seconds before realizing he had over-extended himself and would have to forego anymore attempts to stand (or walk) with the rollator.

The whole endeavor made him sad. A bit deflated. He had so thought (and hoped) that he could still walks a few steps. We're past that now, and the use of a lift is becoming more and more clear in our future.

After a bit of contemplation and introspection, he snapped out of his "down" mood and was my sweet, up-beat Don again.

We have to anticipate the future in our situation and plan ahead for it. We don't want to be surprised by anything this nasty disease has to offer; we want to face it prepared, mentally, spiritually and physically. I will admit to faltering often, but I rally. Don has his occasional lapses into "remember when"s, but they don't last long.

Both of us continue to believe that there are a lot of lessons for us to learn through this trial. We continue to believe that we are blessed indeed.

A Surprising Harvest

2011-04-02T16:41:00.000-07:00

A number of years ago, I planted hostas in my front yard. I was very particular in placing them exactly where I wanted, according to size and species (do hostas even have species?). Anyway, for the first couple of years, they flourished and grew beautifully. Then, for some reason, Don needed to get into that area and do some digging. The next year, when the hostas came up, they were all out of order. Big ones in front. Too many striped ones together. Totally unnerving to me. We also had burning bushes in the same area that didn't "burn" and were ugly. So, within the last couple of years, I had dug out all my hostas, Gary pulled up the burning bushes, and we cut down the Chinese dogwood that had been planted too close to the front porch. The front of my house was clear.

That was good for one season, but I wanted a bit of color. So, last summer, my mom gave me some marigolds. It wasn't enough to give me the fill I wanted, so I went out and bought more to finish out my design. Again, they're spaced just the way I want. Colors and "species" separated according to my quirks. They bloomed beautifully last summer.

This year, my sweet brother tore down their old chimney and asked if we needed any landscaping done. Of course, we did. So, a few weeks back, Gary and I unloaded LOTS of bricks and landscaped a bit in the front and on the side of the house and started on a little walkway/patio area in the back before running out of bricks.

A couple days ago, I was delighted, after the snow and cold weather we've been having, to see new plants poking their green little heads above the soil. However, now that they've grown up just a bit,I'm thinking there's something weird going on. Everything that's coming up looks like hostas. I was CERTAIN I had dug up every plant and pitched it. Where in the world did these come from. Then, I have one more very prominent plant coming up among what I think is hostas - could it be a burning bush??? I'm perplexed. Maybe marigolds just look different than I expected when they're babies and just coming out of the ground. If not, I'm not happy about my harvest!

Isn't that just like life? We allow things to grow and take root in our lives. Then, tiring of them or hoping for something better and prettier, we do our best to uproot all those less-than-we-had-hoped-for plants, replacing them with colorful snippets. Our garden, once again, has promise of being just what we want it to be. But, often at the most unexpected moments, those old plants come popping their heads through. We thought we had eliminated them for good, but there must have been a root left somewhere. At the moment, I'm not seeing one sign of a marigold in my garden. Maybe they'll pop through later. Or, maybe, what I'm seeing isn't hostas and burning bushes at all. Just the sight of them, though, makes me remember how hard it is to break old habits, throw off prejudices and predispositions, love people for what they are down deep and not just what they appear to be.

I may be reaping a surprising harvest this summer. I hope life is coming up marigolds. But, if it's coming up hostas and burning bushes, I'm hoping I grow to love them and value them for their beauty. Isn't that what life's all about? Throw off the old; embrace the new. But, at the same time, don't be embarrassed by the old. Learn to value where you came from and who you got here with.

It's a "God Thing"

2011-03-05T17:16:00.000-08:00

On January 17th I experienced what they diagnosed as a TIA. I disagree with the diagnosis (think it was a complex migraine), but that didn't matter at the time. What mattered was that they wanted to keep me in the hospital and run tons of tests, and that costs money - LOTS of money.

On the day I was discharged, a young woman from the accounting department there at the hospital came to my room to offer me a deal. She had called Blue Cross/Blue Shield and had received an estimate from them of the costs of my hospital stay. She said, if I would pay a certain amount right then and there, I would get a 20% discount. Don and I discussed it. Even though we were going to have to put it on a "card", we thought it was worth it to get the discount. This week, I received a bill from the hospital. It showed the overall cost for my stay at $36,000+ and said I still owed almost $1,000. I nearly broke out in a cold sweat when I looked at the invoice. What? I thought this had been taken care of. I don't know about where you live, but, in our house, $1,000 is a LOT of money. It was too late to call the hospital that afternoon, and our next day was already filled.

Yesterday, I finally took time to call the accounting department at the hospital, asking to speak to the young lady I had spoken to while there. I fully intended to ask if they would approve a monthly payment plan for me, because coming up with that nearly $1,000 was going to be a chore. I told Ellen who I was and why I was calling. She put me on hold for a lengthy time, finally coming back on the line and asking if she could call me back because they were having to "check into it." That sounded ominous to me, but I consented to the call-back.

In a short time, the phone rang. Ellen explained to me that the bill was, indeed, accurate, and I still owed nearly $1,000. However, she went on, because I had paid the bill in good faith, they were going to write the amount off, and I owed NOTHING. I was almost doing the happy dance, let me tell you!

Then, today, I went to pick up a prescription that I knew was going to cost me $27 for 30 pills. I had received a little card in my most recent Angel Food order that said it would save me money on scripts. I took it in with me when I went to pick up my prescription, asking the young lady to please add it to my account records and to see if it might possibly save me a bit of money. She came back to the window and said, "I'd say it DID save you some money - almost $20! You now owe $8.51!"

Now all that may sound like small potatoes to you, but in our house, having $1,000 expunged in the matter of a few days is equivalent to a miracle! I think it qualifies as a "God thing!"

Spiritual or Stupid?

2011-02-28T12:51:00.000-08:00

We had a terrible storm blow through town last evening. Driving around town this morning to survey the damage, we noticed that the strongest winds took a definite path; we were directly in that path. Outside of some limbs down and having to have a large split limb cut off by a tree service, we escaped major damage. Many of our neighbors weren't so fortunate.

After the winds had died down and we were waiting for help to arrive for the young woman who lives across the street, I got on Facebook. I've come to some definite conclusions.

1. I must surely not be as spiritual as some of my friends who say, "Where's your faith? God can take care of you! Don't be afraid." My response: God gave us common sense, and He expects us to use it. If you can at all, get to a safe place.

2. Storms scare me. We've always gone to the basement at the screech of the sirens. Don can't do that anymore, and I'm not going to leave him upstairs. Conclusion: when you are unable to get to a safe place, pray, PRAY, PRAY!!

3. I think some people use their "super spirituality" as an excuse for extreme stupidity. Conclusion: any person who would jeopardize the well-being of others is extremely self-centered.

Ok. Ok. Maybe I'm just not spiritual enough. When the wind starts howling and the walls of the house start heaving, it scares me. Sure, I know God can take care of me. But, if I'm expecting Him to do everything for me, I just might as well go out and sit in the middle of the interstate during rush hour!

I'm just sayin'. . .

I miss . . .

2011-02-21T15:35:00.000-08:00

. . . full-body hugs (tight ones) with my honey.
. . . walking side-by-side, hand-in-hand.
. . . going to our favorite restaurants without making plans ahead of time to insure there's room.
. . . having someone with me to pump the gas.
. . . sending Don to the basement to get something for me or out to run errands.
. . . having help (even if it was messy help) in preparing the meals or cleaning up afterward.
. . . sight-seeing and relaxing as Don drove us to our destinations.

I'm holding tightly to . . .
. . . the sound of my beloved's voice as he speaks to me or prays with me at night.
. . . the even murmur of his breathing.
. . . the many "I love you"s that I get every day.
. . . the sight of that precious brown-eyed smile.
. . . watching Don enjoy his favorite foods as he eats with delight and gusto.
. . . the interchanges (verbal, physical, or otherwise) between Don and the many people - family and friends - who love him and are making an extra effort to stay close.

Boring Is Good

2011-02-14T23:37:00.000-08:00

Through the month of January, our lives were one upheaval after another. A wild roller coaster ride of things breaking, spewing, leaking or otherwise causing some kind of havoc.

Today is Valentine's day. Don asked if I wanted to go to Denny's for breakfast, which I did. We came home, I broke up some of the ice on the back driveway, did laundry, cleaned house, and helped my mom at her house for a while. All of which are nice, normal, unstressful things.

I've decided boring is good. I'm enjoying not having a crisis to deal with. As far as I know, everything is fixed and working around my house. It's a good feeling, and I'm praying it lasts!

Cabin Fever

2011-02-06T14:24:00.000-08:00

We've been snowed/iced in at our house for several days. I think (the days are all a snowy blur) our last time out was either last Sunday or Monday. Fortunately, I had stockpiled lots of food, we have oodles of books and videos, Dish Network and a functioning computer - so I was good to go. So was Don, for the first couple days. After that, he began to get restless. He would go to the front door and open it, looking out. Then he would go to the back door and open it, looking out again. He's, by nature, a hands' on, do-it-yourself kind of man, and being inside without the opportunity to break the monotony was killing him.

I had tried to break the ice and clear the walks and driveway a couple times, but it was much too thick for my limited strength. Thursday evening, Don's youngest brother came by, and he didn't have much more luck than I did.

On Friday morning, a friend and his son came by and completely cleared the driveway for us. They had barely finished when Don was ready to go out and get something for lunch. I wasn't thrilled at the prospect, but took him to Qdoba (quickly becoming his favorite place) anyway. That evening, we went to the church for game night. Don took his banjo, and he and Tom spent some time pickin' and grinnin'.

Friday night, we had four more inches of snow. So, Saturday morning, I got out (much to my husband's consternation) and shoveled the driveway again. The snow wasn't wet, so it wasn't a terribly straining job. I easily (well, that may be a slight exaggeration) shoveled all the way down to the concrete - from the house to the street.

Later, Don and I were watching some old pictures scroll on the screen saver of the computer. Pictures of the two of us playing with the grands while camping in Southern Illinois. Pictures of Don working on bicycles with our younger grandson. Pictures of Don flying kites, playing ball, working, enjoying life. Suddenly, I understood better why he was experiencing cabin fever so terribly. It wasn't just the past few days that had taken away his freedom, it was the last three years. He does amazingly well, I think, with the limitations he's been handed. But there's still a longing for the former days. Cabin fever was just an excuse to be "normal" again. To not be held in by four walls. Freedom to move about. Freedom to interact with others.

As long as I'm able, I vow to allow Don to live as normal a life as possible, despite his restrictions. Lord willing, there will be few prolonged periods of cabin fever. He deserves to be out among his friends and family. And I deserve to be there right beside him!

I Can Do It Myself! Or Can I?

2011-01-23T14:57:00.000-08:00

I've been around babies and young children all my life, including my own children and grandchildren. Not all young ones enjoy being independent, and they'll let you do things for them until they're 35 years old, if you're willing. But there are others who like to try their wings at an early age. I have no idea how many times I've heard a little person say, "I do it MYSELF!" While they're often successful in their endeavors, just as often, I have had to hold the cup, tie the shoe, form the penciled letter, and clean up the mess after they had reached the point of utter frustration.

Countless times this past week, people have said to me, "Call when you need help with something. Don't feel like you have to do it yourself." To be honest, I enjoy the feeling of accomplishment I have when I've tackled a new job and conquered it. I like the feeling of independence when I can fix things myself without having to call for help. I like watching things form and take shape under my hands. So, I try not to call for help often. And it embarrasses me when I DO have to make that call.

However, I'm supposing there are limits. At least, that's what my body is telling me. I doubt I'm going to turn over a new leaf right away, but it's something I'm having to consider. Call for help? Yikes! Even typing it makes me nervous. My motto for years has been, "If you want a job done right, do it yourself!" Yes. I'm willing to admit that I'm just a bit rigid. A perfectionist? I've been told so, but I think there are far too many areas of imperfection in my life for that label to ever fit. Whatever my excuses, I'm going to have to consider making some life changes. Lots of people tell me they're willing to help out. Maybe I should give it a trial run.

I know, if Don's condition deteriorates (which has been long in coming, Thank God), I will be forced to step outside my comfort zone and let people into my little circle. I don't want to wear them out before that time comes, if it EVER comes. So I continue to put up light fixtures, replace brake bulbs in the car, repair leaky pipes, and install new faucets. Why? Because I CAN.

Help! I'm Out of Control!

2011-01-19T10:48:00.000-08:00

I'm discovering all over again that I don't like to be in situations where I don't feel in charge. Of course, those times come to all of us - having to rely on someone else to supply the solution. But I don't like it. I would much rather take care of a situation myself. Don't enjoy having to call on others for things I feel like I should be able to do.

I was the victim on Monday of just such a circumstance. I had a TIA. Not major (to anyone but me), but very disconcerting, nonetheless. For a short period of time, I lost the use of my left arm and my speech was barely understandable. The use of the arm came back totally, but I'm still struggling with my speech. I've found that it's worse if I'm nervous, anxious or agitated. (Me? Agitated?) On top of that, today my emotions are barely bridled. I can cry at the drop of a hat and drop the hat myself!

It's alarming and humbling to try to be expressing a thought, and, right in the middle of speaking it out, the words stop coming. They're still in my head, but I can't get my mouth to formulate them. If I simply stop for a second or two, I can either pick up where I was or start over. Although I've never been as articulate as many, I've taken a certain pride in being able to speak publicly without too much trepidation - especially when having to do so on the spur of the moment. Right now, that would almost scare me to death.

I've learned the last few days that it's hard to lose things when you've taken them for granted for years. Maybe I'll have to do what my sister-in-law did after her TIA. She found it hard to speak a thought, but she could SING it. My singing voice has been grossly compromised by years of abuse and, in recent years, by lack of use. But it's a thought.

So, once again, life goes on, despite the bumps and curves and detours. Just don't like it when anyone but God takes the wheel. I sit on His lap, and he controls the steering wheel - at least most of the time!

Some Laugh. Some Cry.

2011-01-03T12:39:00.000-08:00

Don and I did some running this morning, stopped by Hardee's for some of their Mexican menu for lunch, then came home. As we were pulling into the driveway, we both noticed that the mailman had come. I pulled up and let down the ramp for Don to get out. He said, "Hey, you want me to get the mail?" On a side note - Don can't walk, and there's no way he can get up the front steps and lift himself to the mailbox to get the mail. Without missing a beat I said, "Sure. Just don't get the elbows of that white jacket dirty!" We both got a good laugh out of it. Morbid? Maybe. Coping? Definitely!

I Choose . . .

2010-12-29T11:59:00.001-08:00

This past year has brought a lot of new challenges to my life. I don't, as a usual thing, do well with change. But I'm learning that a lot of coping has to do with attitude. Sadly, mine too often stinks! Just to prove that miracles still happen, I'm finding myself doing a bit of changing.

I choose:

To deal with life on a daily basis instead of trying to look far down the road. (Anyway, when I look too far ahead, it scares me!)

To find as much to laugh about as possible - even if others think my laughter borders on inappropriate.

To love Don and our families and to affirm that love as often as possible, both verbally and with my actions.

To not sweat the small stuff. After all, poop is just a bodily function, and I can deal with it (without gagging, hopefully!).

To remember that I can control my mood by controlling my attitude.

To quit kicking myself for being inconsiderate or selfish for saying "no" when the circumstance warrants it. I cannot be all things to all people.

To live my life with a "God focus" that will determine my actions and reactions.

I'm sure I choose many more things and will continue to add to the list as the years flash by. But, as we're approaching January 1, 2011 (that doesn't even sound possible), I want to be better, braver, and sweeter. Think one or two out of three would cut it??? ;-)

As the Curtain Closes . . .

2010-12-26T18:09:00.000-08:00

Since holidays are not generally the easiest of times for me, I'm a bit relieved to see this year's holiday season coming to and end. However, I will be the first to admit that it was a good time. Crowds are often my undoing, but it's so much easier when you know you're loved and (at least somewhat) understood.

I'm convinced that Don and I must surely have two of the finest families anywhere in the world. They've proven their care and concern time and time again this past year. Most often, needs were met before I even had the chance to voice them.

During Christmas at my sis's house, I watched the interchange between siblings, cousins, parents and children. I think we honestly LIKE each other. Isn't that a blessing? How many families do you know that can barely stand to be in the same room together? That's just not the way it is - on my side or Don's.

Christmas Day, we had our own children and grandchildren here. What a delightful crew they are. Our son and daughter could hardly be more different, but they're both so uniquely talented and gifted. Don and I are proud of who they've become. And our son's choice for a wife could not have suited him better. Surely God had a hand in that decision!

Our older grandson is now 21, and he is everything a parent or grandparent could want their child to be. He's a bright, loving young man. Knowing the physical problems he dealt with early in his life, we're thankful that he shows no evidence of ever having had a sick day in his life. His future, I'm sure, holds bright fulfilling things.

The girls, now 12, are turning into delightful young ladies. So different. Each carving her own niche in our heart. One bold. One experimental and creative. One compassionate. All wonderful. And all loving their parents and extended family.

Our baby (I doubt that he really appreciates my calling him that at the ripe old age of 10) is one of the most sensitive, caring children I've ever met. I would say that he is unusually close to his Pa, and that warms a Granny's heart. He's showing a gifting for music, and that thrills us.

So, as the holiday season comes to an end, I'm thankful to have survived - and that with finesse. Friends and family do make the days, both good and bad, easier.

Laugh a Little, Love a Lot

2010-12-07T17:47:00.000-08:00

As a disclaimer to those of you who read my blog - none of you are my "superlative relative." She is still wallowing in her misery after the WORST illness she thinks she's ever had!

Thanksgiving has come and gone, but the thankfulness continues. This time of year is, by my own admission, very difficult for me. During my several years of deep depression, the holidays were almost unbearable. I'm better now, but still not completely past the apprehension I feel in crowds (even family), and the discomfort of stepping outside my comfort zone. Don's illness has taught me to be less uptight. Oddly enough, part of the time at least, he's been more apprehensive and tightly wound than I. That's a change. He knows and understands my problems with crowds and holidays, so he tries to be especially low-keyed during this time. That makes me love him more.

He also makes me laugh on a daily basis. He can be so sweetly silly - espcially when he doesn't mean to be.

On Sunday night, I let him out of the van, and I stayed behind to put the ramp back up and lock everything up. When I got in, he was just getting his coat off. He glanced at me as I took his coat and said, "Hi! How ya doin'?" I thought it was kind of an odd remark for him to make, and then I saw the color come creeping up his neck and face. He hadn't looked at me closely and thought I was one of our friends from church (don't know if the friend would be flattered about that). Thus the goofy remark. He was genuinely embarrassed. As a side note: his eyes have not been good since he had shingles in his left eye and lost the ability to focus it for a while. Whatever. Every time I thought about it during church, I got the giggles. (One of the things I used to scold my children for!) Then, when we got in bed that night, I would still giggle when I'd think about his red face when he realized it was his own wife he was talking to.

I'm thankful for the ability to laugh at life - even at my own expense. It's even more fun when it's at someone else's expense!

Living in Superlatives

2010-11-27T15:25:00.000-08:00

I have a relative who never experiences anything in a normal, everyday range. Everything (it seems) that happens to her or that she's describing is always in superlatives. The best or the worst. Never just okay. The saddest or the happiest. Never so so. I've been around this person a bit more than normal the last few months, and I've found that it wearies me. Conversations always seem to make me grind my teeth and put me on edge. I don't doubt the sincerity or honesty of the person, but I doubt the necessity of the superlative.

Personally, I like a day without any excessive highs or lows. Middle-of-the-road is fine with me. I don't have the strength to handle superlatives on a daily basis. It's exhausting. I'm content not to be the happiest, most beautiful or most talented person around. ALMOST will do. I don't have to work so hard. Lazy? Not really. Realistic? Absolutely!

For those of you who are wondering what in the world "superlative" is - may I present:

su·per·la·tive
/səˈpɜrlətɪv, sʊ-/ Show Spelled[suh-pur-luh-tiv, soo-] Show IPA
–adjective
1.
of the highest kind, quality, or order; surpassing all else or others; supreme; extreme: superlative wisdom.
2.
Grammar . of, pertaining to, or noting the highest degree of the comparison of adjectives and adverbs, as smallest, best, and most carefully, the superlative forms of small, good, and carefully. Compare comparative ( def. 4 ) , positive ( def. 20 ) .
3.
being more than is proper or normal; exaggerated in language or style.
–noun
4.
a superlative person or thing.
5.
the utmost degree; acme.
6.
Grammar .
a.
the superlative degree.
b.
a form in the superlative.

I'm How Old?

2010-11-22T08:17:00.000-08:00

I will be celebrating my 63rd birthday in a couple days, and I simply can't believe I'm THAT old! I honestly didn't think I'd be here this long. I thought the Lord would come by now, or that I'd simply die of old age at about age 60 or so! Didn't happen, so here I am.

I think I'm finally learning some things now that I'm old and mellow. (I write that with a barely suppressed giggle.) Notice I didn't say that I've learned them, but I am, at least, in the process.

1. I'm learning that my opinion really isn't the only opinion that matters.
2. Family and friends are invaluable, and I need to cherish them and cultivate our relationships more.
3. My faith in a living, loving God can sustain me through all kinds of trauma.
4. Age really doesn't matter in a friendship.
5. I should have taken better care of myself when I was younger - eaten better, exercised more and faithfully, kept my weight in check.
6. I don't have to say "yes" to everyone that asks me to do them a favor. The world actually doesn't stop spinning and throw me off when I say, "No."
7. Time with my honey is priceless, and we don't have to be doing anything special to make it that way.
8. Laughter (a merry heart) really is the best medicine.
9. Don't sweat the small stuff. In the big picture, some things just don't matter.
10. Express your affection in countless ways - words, gifts, hugs and loving deeds.

I know there are a lot more things that I'm either learning or should learn, but these are just a few. Maybe getting older isn't so bad. Perhaps I really will get wiser. Who knows!

A Merry Heart Doeth Good

2010-11-19T17:52:00.000-08:00

Don is almost completely back to where he was before his heart attack on August 7th. He may never recover the little bit he slipped back, but where he is is good. In fact, we haven't seen any drastic slipping for the last three or four months. Hurray!

Lots of people have commented that they think much of Don's success in handling all he's been through is his positive attitude. I would agree. Of course, a strong faith in an awesome God is the first step, but it really takes more than that to go through trials with a smile.

Proverbs says, "A merry heart doeth good, like a medicine." We agree. We laugh. We laugh a lot! At ourselves. At each other. At other people. At a good joke - and sometimes at jokes that aren't even that good! I've learned to take life a bit less seriously. I'm still slightly(?) dogmatic and certainly opinionated. But I no longer insist that you agree with me - or at least pretend to do so. The little things are what make the big things more special. So, I try to pay more attention to those little things. Smiles. Thank you's. Children. And compliments. I value affirmation. In fact, I thrive on it. So, I'm trying to be more affirming to others. Hoping, I guess, that they'll return the favor.

I treasure time with friends and family. I work at keeping a thankful attitude toward God. But most of all - I laugh. Lots of time. Lots of places. In lots of circumstances. Try it, my friend. It will definitely make you feel better.

Enjoying the Simple Things

2010-10-30T19:19:00.000-07:00

I must say, life, in many ways, has become much simpler since Don's illness. A day trip is an absolute delight. Grandchildren, children, family and friends bring untold joy. A beautiful sunset dazzles and delights. And our love for each other, many times, can't even be expressed.

I spoke in our church for a few minutes one Sunday morning a few weeks ago before a friend sang my anthem, Praise Him in This Storm. I was amazed, even baffled, at the number of precious ladies who came up to me later and confessed that they had never loved their husband the way I seemed to love Don. May I confess to you that I haven't always loved him like I do now? Maybe it takes going through hardships together - being there for each other. Maybe it comes when you know someone really needs you, needs you even to survive. It comes when you covenant together to work through the hard times. Never giving up. Expressing your love for each other in every area of life - not just in bed. Who knows? Maybe we would have grown to love each other wholeheartedly without our mistakes and blunders and sorrows and stumblings. Doesn't matter. Our devotion to each other is almost tangible at this point in our lives.

Why do I love him?
He makes me feel safe. Even now, when he can no longer physically protect me.
He makes me feel secure. I know he's been faithful through thick and thin.
He makes me feel beautiful. Even older women like to think they're attractive.
I see the love when he looks at me with those ever-beautiful brown eyes.
I hear the love when he thanks me for the little things I must do for him on a daily basis.
I feel the love when he's sitting in his powerchair and gently reaches over to take my hand.
And I could probably go on and on.

We work together. We play together. We laugh together. We cry together. We enjoy life. We value what we have. Yep, I think it's safe to say we're in it for the long haul. Sometimes, the simple things in life bring the most joy.

Is It Thanksgiving Yet?

2010-09-26T12:49:00.001-07:00

We've had a lot of things going on in our household this past month and a half - many of them disturbing, disrupting and disillusioning. But things are better!
1. Don survived! That means God loves me and spared me an unspeakable grief.
2. Don is improving. That means his independence is returning and our lives are taking on a semblance of "normal" again.
3. The doctors are amazed at how well Don is doing. That means his life is a testimony to them all of the grace and awesomeness of our God.
4. Lots of friends and family prayed - and they're seeing the result of that fervent prayer.
5. Don's return from death has been an infallible witness to our own children and grandchildren. We believe in God because He is all-powerful, all-knowing, and ever faithful!
6. I'm thankful. For life. For family. For friends. For prayer. For answers to prayer. And to be right here, right now!

I'm Not Stubborn, I'm Just . . .

2010-09-16T16:53:00.000-07:00

My husband is amazing. I know firsthand.

The other day, the home healthcare nurse was here and was questioning Don about the things he could and could not do without help. He said, "I can walk for short distances with my rollator (the walker with wheels and a seat)." I looked at him with dropped jaw. I was CERTAIN he was no more able to walk with his rollator than I was to fly. Last night, just before going to bed, I said, "Babe, you embarrassed me by telling the nurse that you could walk with your rollator." He looked at me with that impudent little pout he gets sometimes and said, "Well, I can." I stood my ground, knowing I was right.

He said, "Where's my rollator?" I told him it was right beside him. He began to reach for it, and I ran to get a kitchen chair, knowing he would need it to help himself up from the middle of the floor after he fell. "How far are you going to walk?" "Oh, from here to there (indicating a spot about five or six feet away." He would not be dissuaded.

He grabbed the handlegrips with both hands and pulled himself to his feet. There, right in front of my astonished and tear-filled eyes, that man began to take one faltering step after another. You might not call it "walking", at least not gracefully. But he got from "here" to "there", just the same!

I was bubbling with pride and blubbering with emotion. When he plopped back down in his wheelchair, I said, "Honey, how in the world did you do that?" "Just stubborn, I guess!" Well, call it what you will. I call it amazing!

Sometimes I Feel Scared

2010-09-07T12:44:00.000-07:00

I'm an adult, and you would think that I had gotten past most of my irrational fears by now. But fear of the unknown is not an irrational fear - at least as far as I'm concerned.

Today marks a month since Don's horrible heart attack and all that resulted. The days have been getting better, and I've been praising him and thanking God for his progress. But we've hit a bump in the road.

In the early morning hours, Don began complaining of a "tightness" in his chest. That's the way he describes the feeling of having a heart attack, so I was instantly alert. He tried to get some comfort, but ended up getting up in his powerchair, hoping the tightness would go away. It didn't. We've been dealing with it all day - not bad enough to call 911, but not comfortable enough to rest.

I'm scared. I've faced the unknown before, many times. ALS brings many uncharted and stormy seas. Heart attacks force you to walk down unlit paths. But, sometimes, remembering is the greatest fear of all. Remembering how it feels to see someone you love suffering, and you can do nothing to help. Remembering how it feels to have questions with no answers. Remembering the overwhelming darkness of being alone. Just remembering.

I'm praying this awful chest tightness goes away soon. I've spent the day in dread and prayer - I don't know which I've done more. I'm remembering the days when a hug from mom or dad could make it all better. Think I'll just run to my Father's arms, expecting that same feeling of relief.

God is great. God is good.

2010-09-04T15:28:00.000-07:00

Beautiful day outside, and a beautiful day inside. This seems to have been Don’s best day yet. He went outside a couple times; he loves feeling the sun and the breeze. We took the dog for a short walk over by the school. Tom came over and mowed our yard, so I edged and used my new leaf blower (thanks, little brother) to clean the driveway and walks. Everything looks so nice, clean and neat. We had a supper of liver and onions (AGAIN!), mashed potatoes, carrots and steamed fresh asparagus. Yum. I feel so good knowing I’m helping Don to eat more healthy. Looking for this upswing to continue.

A Day in the Mud

2010-07-12T12:25:00.000-07:00

We took the four younger grands on a class picnic with us to a farm up above White Hall, IL. I don't consider any of my children or grandchildren to be excessive risk takers, but they are definitely up for a good time. One of the girls wasn't interested in muddin', but the other three were. Here are some pics to prove it.

The third girl spent most of her day babysitting - and loved it!

No Need to Impress

2010-07-11T17:37:00.000-07:00

Don and I have attended two weddings lately - very different and uniquely personal weddings. It seems that the young couples weren't concerned about impressing others with complicated details or astounding numbers of attendants. In both, the bridesmaids were dressed in beautifully simple, elegant dresses. The brides were exquisite in their picture-perfect white gowns. The young men were dashingly handsome in their simple black (white) tuxedos. Each ceremony had some sort of detail that made it belong personally to that couple. A simple message and advice spoken by the minister to that couple, and that couple alone. A minor blunder that made the audience chuckle and know this couple was in it for the long-haul.

I'll admit it. I was impressed by the simplicity. No need to impress someone. Just marrying the man/woman of your dreams and making the whole day very distinctly yours.

How much of life is spent doing things because it's what's expected? How many minutes are wasted wondering if a specific thing pleases those around us? I believe it's important to care what others think. As I was reminded today, impressions are important. I further believe that moderation is of value, and we should never blatantly do things with no thought of offense. But when we spend too much time living our lives to please others, living up to others' expectations, we're not fulfilling God's purpose for us to be ourselves - uniquely.

Wish I was as purposely myself as some of my young friends are.

As the Eagle Soars

2010-07-08T13:40:00.001-07:00

Don and I took Mom with us up to Beasley's in Grafton today for a fish dinner. The drive was, as usual, beautiful. I mentioned to them, though that I was seeing no eagles (I'm usually the one who spots them). We were commenting on how high the water had been and enjoying the sights. After driving around a bit, we headed home.

We hadn't gone far down (up?) the River Road when I started noticing the eagles. They were flying so high that, at times, your eyes had to adjust before seeing them. The clouds were hanging low, and it seemed as if the great birds were flying in and out of the clouds. I would spot one, then another, and then another. Finally seeing five or six before they faded from sight. Don's eyes aren't as good as mine, so it would take him longer to catch them in his vision, but he loved watching them soar in the sky. He commented how they seemed to be catching the high wind drafts today instead of those closer to the earth. What a thought!

There have been times when, though I might feel like I'm flying above things, it's just BARELY above. I'm avoiding the treetops, but I'm not really soaring on the high wind currents. Other times, even though circumstances around me may not have changed much if any, I've managed to catch one of those high drafts. I'm flying so high you can barely see me from where you're standing. Your eyes may have to adjust. Then, as you look more closely, you may find one or two more -- maybe my friends or family -- soaring up there with me.

I'm convinced you never lift another person without being "lifted" yourself. Isn't that encouraging? Being a caregiver can be draining: physically, emotionally, and spiritually. But every now and again an eagle comes by and coaxes me to follow into the high drafts. Higher and higher to where I'm flying effortless. What a blessing my family and friends are to me. I'm sure they don't know how they lift me up. At times, I don't realize it myself. Until I'm looking down. Unable to hear the traffic and the confusion of where I've been. Just looking up to the Source of my strength. I want to spend more days soaring with the eagles!

, , , Just a Note

2010-07-06T08:44:00.001-07:00

Life continues pretty much the same in the Stewart household. I've had a few days recently when I struggled emotionally (that old depression thing has long talons), but Don and I have both learned to deal with these days, knowing they will pass. All in all, life is good. Don continues to hold his own, with a minor bump in the road now and then. We both thoroughly enjoyed the few days that we celebrated the 4th of July with family and friends. We have wonderful kids (Julie's included as one of our girls,) grandkids, siblings, in-laws, and even outlaws! Several of them went out of their way to make Don comfortable during the recent holidays, making it as easy as possible for him to navigate their homes and yards. That matters!

I Don't Embrace Change

2010-06-10T15:37:00.000-07:00

Let me repeat that. Not only do I not embrace change, I rarely even like it! Makes no difference. Change happens. This is life, not a fairy tale.

The last few days have brought more changes in our life. Don is becoming less and less able to use his rollator in the house. He's having a very hard time accepting the fact that he may be much less mobile in the near future, and I'm not doing much better in the acceptance department. Sometimes I wish I could just go on to Heaven and be finished with all this "junk" down here! That's not the way things happen, though, is it? Unfortunately, we have to deal with what comes our way. I'm encouraged to know that God knew what was coming to our home and to our lives before we did, and He is there to help us through it.

Don't guess I would want things to stay the same forever anyway. I miss our own babies and our baby grands, but it's been wonderful to sit on the sidelines and watch the beautiful people they've become and are becoming. Everything we go through will improve us, if we let it. I'm hoping that I can be teachable. I would love to leave this life a much better person than I've been most of my years.

If changing means becoming better, I think I need to have a whole new perspective. As Patti LaBell (or, as my granddaughter called her, Pat My Belly) sang, I've gotta a New Attitude!

Another Day, Another Challenge

2010-05-12T09:20:00.000-07:00

We are officially OUT of the prescription drug infusion portion of the clinical research study we became a part of 2 1/2 months ago. They are still going to track Don, but he won't be taking the drug.

The last few weeks have been a nightmare, due to Don's severe allergic reaction to any and all adhesives we tried. He developed a rash that blistered and spread, and the itching was driving him to distraction. He had the Hickman catheter removed yesterday, and, except for a bit of a reaction to a bandage they had put on before I caught it, he's done exceptionally well. He's such a trooper.

We're seeing a bit of digression in other areas of his body now, but we're dealing with it. I'm, personally, glad that we're not having to deal with the twice-daily infusions anymore, because life is complicated enough without that added distraction.

So, life marches on. We've leaped over one hurdle and are preparing ourselves for the next. So far, so good!

Dumb and Dumber

2010-04-28T12:32:00.000-07:00

Just how dumb do some people think I am? I probably wouldn't want to ask that question to some of you personally, because you know me well enough to give a fairly honest answer (that I probably don't want to hear). But at least you know me!

Last week, we took our van in to Dobb's to have work done on it in order to get the "Check Engine" light to go out. After waiting six hours, they told us they had succeeded in getting the light out, but their instruments were showing the van still had a compression leak somewhere. They didn't think it would pass emissions testing. Well, they were wrong on the first count, it passed emissions with no problem. We still made an appointment to have them spend another day trying to find the problem, because the van has emitted a raw gas smell ever since we got it. Since that's the vehicle we use to transport Don's powerchair, when I took the van in Tuesday evening, he had to stay home while Dondra met me at Dobb's and brought me back home. The young man at the counter when I dropped my keys off (the same young man that had told us to bring it back in to have it checked further) asked me my name. I told him it would be under "Donald Stewart." He checked the computer and asked if it might be under another name. I told him that was highly unlikely. He asked for the license plate number (Woe is me. I've never committed ANY license place number to memory!) I had no idea what it was, so I told him to go outside and check for himself - space #16. When he came back in and went to the computer he said, "Oh! Here it is! It was under 'Don', not 'Donald'." I should have seen the signs of trouble ahead right there, but I didn't. They were going to call us today when they had everything done, but assured us it would take all day.

At 9:30 this morning, "Mike" called and said they had checked our car and there was absolutely nothing wrong with it. I asked him why,then, the raw gas smell is always so strong after the van has been closed up in the garage overnight. First he said he didn't know. Then he proceeded to tell me that I COULDN'T be smelling raw gas because there were no vacuum leaks. Supposedly, the car had been compression tested and everything was okay. He said, "Well, ma'am, how big is your garage?" I said, "Well, let's put it this way. It's large enough that the car is in there right now and there isn't a HINT of raw gas odor!" He continued assuring me that I couldn't be smelling raw gas, so I asked him to hold while I handed the phone to Don. I said (loudly enough that Mike could hear), "Honey, would you please talk to this young man? He's telling me that I couldn't possibly be smelling gas. I'm just wondering how dumb he thinks I am!"

Okay, I know. That wasn't very Christ-like, but give me a break! Where do repairmen get off thinking every woman they encounter is as dumb as a fence post? I've been around car repairmen all my life, and I think I know what gas smells like!

Anyway, we brought the car home. The "Check Engine" light is off, which is good. Tonight will tell whether the garage reeks of raw gas in the morning. Either way, it CAN'T be the odor of raw gas, because Mikey says so!

Normal's Good

2010-04-22T21:10:00.001-07:00

Our life for the last couple of years has been one continual roller coaster ride. Up one day and down the next. But, I'm thrilled to say that, for the last six to eight weeks, life has seemed to move on with uncharacteristic boredom. Don has digressed very little, if any at all. Some might attribute that to the drugs that I infuse twice daily. We think that could be a factor, but we're positive that the prayers of friends and family nation-wide certainly can't be hurting! He's been using his riding mower to cut our grass as well as my mom's. He isn't sleeping as much during the day. He's been enjoying spending time outdoors when his friends or family come to visit. I continue to be too busy some days, but it's very rewarding at the end of the day to look back and realize how well he's done.

On top of all the above, Don celebrated his 70th birthday this week. I know it sounds like a cliche', but it seems such a short time ago that we were young together. Time passed much too quickly. We're not living these golden(?) years like we might have imagined, but just living them without having to worry quite so much about day-to-day living is quite acceptable. I'm content to forego the excitement for a while. Yep. Normal's good!

Sometimes I Need a Reminder

2010-04-12T14:03:00.001-07:00

I had a routine doctor's appointment this morning. I was anxious to go. I've been what I feel is excessively tired lately, and my left foot has been hurting to the point that I'm unable to wear heels. I know. I know. That's a "pride" issue, but I do like to dress up occasionally. I had blood work done last week and was hoping the doctor had an easy solution for me. I honestly told him that I had felt unusually weary in recent weeks and wondered if, maybe, my B12 levels were low again or my gluclose count was high. He had my blood results sent in to him, and everything looked fine - better than at some other times, in fact. I felt a bit uneasy, and he began to talk to me. (I should mention that our general practitioner is a born-again believer, and I have great confidence in his relationship with God.) Apparently, the reason I'm tired is that I have so much "extra" on me at the moment. Did I need to be reminded that stress can wear me down? I guess so. He asked me how I slept, and I commented that I NEVER slept a full night and rarely got more than a couple consecutive hours of sleep. I have sleep aids (sleeping pills), but I really don't like to take them. At this point, I was tearing up. I told him that it somehow seemed "unChristian" to rely on sleep aids to help me get a night's rest, and I was embarrassed that I wasn't strong enough to deal with the added stress without it showing on me physically. By this time, he's crying, too! My wonderful doctor reminded me how that I couldn't be my best for Don if my body was too exhausted to function. Also reminded me that I should stop worrying about what people might think and try to do what is best for myself and Don at this point in my life. What a revelation! I know all those things, but I needed them brought to my remembrance.

He took the time to have my ankle x-rayed. No broken bones, but I have apparently strained or sprained it within the last few weeks. I don't even remember doing it.

So, nothing has changed, but I feel a little more capable of dealing with life on a day to day basis than I did first thing this morning. That's a good feeling.

Is There Ever Enough Time?

2010-04-03T20:09:00.000-07:00

I'm bone weary again. Yes, I'm fully aware that I sometimes (often?) take on more than I should, but it is also true that there are just a lot of things that HAVE to be done. We had the four grandkids yesterday evening. Dondra brought her two little dogs and came over as well. We played games, watched a movie, and had a great time. I had put a roast in the slow cooker before going to bed, because I planned to do beef and noodles for dinner/supper today. When we all got up (the girls slept until almost 9:30), we went to Denney's for breakfast. After we got home, I hurriedly peeled and chunked potatoes and put them in water, so I wouldn't have that to do later in the day. In the afternoon, I took two of the children with me to the mall to look for an Easter outfit (can you say "too fat and sassy for my own good?"), and Don kept two of them here with him. It was a good shopping day. I found a dress, which my two wonderful grandchildren told me looked great on me! I got to thinking on the way home that, since Jeff and Julie were working like towheads trying to refinish their floor - a job that has gone on much longer than they had originally planned - I should invite the whole family over for supper. Neither Dondra nor Jordan could come, but Jeff and Julie were glad for the break. So, I prepared a yummy supper, if I do say so myself. Julie helped clear, but they really needed to get back home and get back to work, so I declined her offer to help with dishes. After the dishes were done, I got a call from a friend reminding me that we needed to run over the song she plans to do at the service tomorrow. She was coming to the house in an hour. I grabbed the opportunity to sit down and rest. Like a flash from the blue, it dawned on me that I needed to get food prepared for the Easter dinner tomorrow at Carolyn's. Oops!! Fortunately, I had taken the hamburger out of the freezer yesterday, so it was partially thawed for the stuffed peppers. I had to make a mad dash to the store for sour cream for my baked cheesecake before I could finish it and stick it in the oven. So, two or two and a half hours later, I'm finally able to sit down again. Only problem - now it's bedtime. Believe me, I'm ready to crawl between the sheets. Surely next week won't be so busy. I dare not look at the calendar. I'm not sure I could take what I see!

Old Friend

2010-03-31T18:07:00.000-07:00

Would the young woman who responded to my blog please contact me at my e-mail address, donandsaundra@sbcglobal.net? I would love to hear from you. (Yes, I'm talking to YOU, Jeanie!)

Not All Angels Have Wings!

2010-03-29T15:07:00.000-07:00

Had a scary and unusual experience a couple days ago. Don continues to love to go with me almost every time I leave the house. There are probably two reasons for that. One is, quite frankly, that he loves me and likes to be with me. Secondly, I’m sure he knows that the time he has to run around town at will may be ending someday in the future, and he wants to take advantage of every chance he has to get out.

We had gone to Shop‘n Save to buy groceries for the month. I ended up with two carts full – quite a load. The lady behind me in line was over-the-top friendly, and I liked her instantly. She bagged her groceries right next to us and insisted on helping with the carts when we left the store. Don went out ahead of us, I was next in line pushing a cart, and Sam (the lady I had just met) was behind me, pushing my cart and pulling her own. Don, for a reason I was to learn later, headed for the curb instead of heading for the handicapped access. I began to scream for him to stop, but watched in horror as his wheels rolled off the edge of the curb and his chair tipped sideways before throwing him to the pavement. He lay still for a few short seconds, and I ran to him. He immediately began trying to move. His powerchair weighs 350 pounds. One of the young boys who works at the store tried to lift it, but didn’t seem to be able to do so. I suppose I had a rush of adrenaline, because I grabbed his powerchair and set it upright before trying to assist him in getting over to it. He used to be able to crawl when he couldn’t walk. He’s no longer able to do that. He drug himself to the chair. As he pulled with his upper body, I took each leg and bent it at the knee in order to move it under his body. He was able to get back in his chair, and I began checking him over. He ended up with a couple abrasions on his wrist and a bruised elbow. When I think of what COULD have happened, I shudder! He was surely keeping his guardian angels busy that day!

Sam helped me get Don to the car and then helped me unload both my carts and stow the groceries away in the van. I chatted with her enough to know that her husband is handicapped, too, but I didn’t get her name any more than “Sam”, and have no idea where she lives. To me that day, she was an angel sent to help us out.

Don told me later that he was intently watching a car that was going through the lot and didn’t look closely enough to realize that he was going off a drop-off. The curb, facing and pavement were all painted yellow, and it looked flat to him. He realized, too late, what he had done.

Life certainly brings some unexpected turns. I’ve found time every day since that event to thank God for protecting Don from serious injury and for sending me an “angel” in tight jeans!

It's Tomorrow!

2010-03-10T21:01:00.000-08:00

Amazing the difference 24 hours can make. I can feel myself getting stronger and more rested (both emotionally and physically) each day. What a wonderful thing to be refreshed and restored!

It was an unseasonably warm day. Don and I took the dog and went to the park. I walked, and Don took his chair. The dog walked with me. A good day.

Then we drove out over the levee. I pulled over and let Don slide into the driver's seat. He drove up and down the road that runs by the canal a couple times. He said it felt so good to drive, although he has to lift his left leg with his hand in order to move it to the brake. He smiled the whole time he was driving. A good day.

We went to church tonight and Bro. Jerry Edmonds prayed a powerful prayer for Don's physical restoration. I love it when Don gets blessed so profoundly by the Holy Spirit. It blesses me to see him basking in the presence of a holy God. A good day.

Chin Up!

2010-03-09T11:27:00.001-08:00

I've struggled emotionally the last few days. Does that make me bad? Someday I hope I learn to say "no" when I'm already doing about as much as I can do. Will that day ever come? Tomorrow will be better. I'm aware of where I am, now I need to move to a better place.

Waiting anxiously for tomorrow!

I Don't Like Change!

2010-02-28T20:24:00.000-08:00

Those of you who know me very well know I'm definitely a person of routine. I don't always do well with change. Unfortunately, my life has been full of changes the last couple of years, and it hasn't ended yet!

We're still believing and trusting for a miracle of healing for Don, but, in the meantime, we're dealing with reality. He's slipped a bit again the last couple of weeks. We're getting close to the time (probably within weeks) of his not being able to use his rollator to get around in the house anymore. It simply wears him out. Also, he has given me permission to order a couple pair of pants for him with elastic in the waist. He thinks that might be easier for him when he goes to the bathroom. He's been having a harder and harder time getting his pants pulled up after using the toilet. He also has asked me to get him a urinal, so he doesn't have to completely take his pants down every time. Maybe that's plain talk for a blog, but our life has become a "plain talk" life! It makes me sad to see him slipping, and I don't want him to see my sadness. Sometimes, not showing that I'm sad is even harder than being sad in the first place!

What can I say? Life goes on. I continue to do what I can to make life simpler and easier for him, even if it means that more and more of my own day is being gobbled up by his. I still say that's what love is all about.

Getting on a Schedule

2010-02-25T09:29:00.000-08:00

We're almost a week into Don's treatments, and I'm pleasantly surprised at how well things have been going. He's learned the process well, so he reminds me if I'm about to forget a step. That's very helpful. My biggest problem has been time management. I have to get it in my head exactly how much time it takes to give a treatment - start to finish. My "getting up" time has to allow for the treatment, and then give me time to shower and prepare for my day (Sunday was a real kicker).

On top of what Don's going through with the ALS, he had to have a tooth extracted on Tuesday. I was afraid that might be a big deal, in light of the treatment he's getting. Not to be. He did beautifully. The first night, he complained of some discomfort, but it's all been a breeze since then.

Have I mentioned on here within the last 24 hours that I love my husband? He's such a super guy. Honestly, I think we make a good team - one of the best!

The Day After

2010-02-20T13:08:00.000-08:00

Don had his Hickman Catheter inserted yesterday. The procedure itself wasn't long (about 1/2 hour), and time in the recovery room was only about an hour. They couldn't order the medication vials until the surgery was completed, so as soon as Don got into the recovery room, our attending nurse called the pharmacist. We expected the meds to arrive in an hour to 1 1/2 hours. Then, I was to inject Don with the meds, they were going to watch him for 3 hours, and we would come home. It was going to be a long, long day. Both Dondra and Jeff came to the hospital to spend the day with us, and we absolutely loved spending the exclusive time with them. As it turned out, we sat and waited about 3 to 3 1/2 hours for the meds to arrive. Jeff and Dondra left to come home about 4:15, and the meds arrived about 4:30. I injected Don. Everything went well. The nurse made us stay until almost 6 p.m., then decided we could come on home.

The evening was uncomfortable for Don. He could feel where the tube was inserted in his jugular vein, and every time he tried to turn his head it would pull. I tried to make him as comfortable as possible for the night. This morning, when he got up, he was a new man. It's not bothering him much at all today. I'm so thankful, because I hate to see him suffer. He isn't a big complainer, so I know, when he does complain, that he has taken things about as long as he can. It's been a good day. We picked up Mom and ran around a bit, and he has done well.

I did my first injection of the meds totally on my own this morning, and things went quite smoothly. Hurray! . . . and they all lived happily ever after!

I'm a Bit Nervous

2010-02-18T07:08:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow, Don goes to have his Hickman Cath inserted in his chest for the clinical research trial for ALS that we've decided to be a part of. He doesn't seem very concerned at all. I have taken training in administering the twice daily medication. After they insert the cath tomorrow, I will be injecting him with his first round of medication. I'm nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs! I'm assuming the doctor, assistants, etc. will still be in there watching me as I do it. What if I make a mistake - a STUPID mistake. I'm certain they would call it to my attention. I just hope they do it in a kind and understanding manner. I think, once I've done the procedure by myself a couple times, I'll be much more comfortable with the whole idea. Until then, I'll sure be glad when tomorrow is over and I have one session under my belt.

Another Day in Paradise

2010-02-09T07:03:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling especially blessed today. Don has slipped a bit more this past month, and that makes me sad. However, he handles it with such grace and courage. I hardly see how I can complain when he's so "up" most of the time. I was reading some old posts in my journal and saw that he had just started having to use a cane less than a year ago. He now uses a rollator fulltime in the house and his powerchair outside the house. Dry those tears! We're not feeling sorry for ourselves. We're so blessed that he still has upper body strength and is able to do the things he does. A sister-in-law told me the other day that she prays for me daily, and she feels "so sorry" for me. Stop that! I do need the prayer support, but I'm not really looking for sympathy. A little encouragement now and then would be nice!

So, life goes on. Some days our smiles are painted on. The facade looks nice, but the foundation is cracking. Not today. I have the joy of the Lord in my heart.

Speaking of which, a young girl at church has been going through some fairly severe psychological trauma. She's a brilliant and beautiful young woman. One night, during a sweet service at church, she very discreetly slipped up beside me and prayed for the Lord to place a joy in our home that people just wouldn't understand. I believe that's happening. I returned that prayer in her direction, and she says she's been experiencing little bursts of joy in her life as well.

God is good, and his blessings are everywhere. Sometimes we just have to move some of our "stuff" to find them!

Another Mishap

2010-01-27T19:25:00.000-08:00

Maizie (our dog) was out of food, so we ran to PetsMart in Edwardsville yesterday to pick up some for her. She did fine at first, but, by the time I had walked her to the back of the store, she was shaking like a leaf. Don said he could hold her on his lap and still do his powerchair. Our older grandson works there in the fish area, so I was heading over that way to see if he was working. Naturally, Don was right at my heels. I made it to the far aisle first and didn't see our grandson, so I turned around and started up to the checkout. Don swung his chair around, but, in the process, hooked the back of the chair on two glass aquariums, pulling both to the floor. The smaller one stayed intact, but the big one busted. Fortunately, they were new and didn't have water or fish in them. I was laughing so hard, and Don was mortified.

We're making a list of places that we can't go back to for a while because Don has caused major chaos or destruction!

Take Up Thy Table???

2010-01-15T11:25:00.000-08:00

It happened again. We went to Quizno's for lunch. Since both the tables and chairs in that place are a bit fragile, we thought it best for Don to stay in his powerchair while we ate. As he was trying to get closer to the table, he somehow hit the "forward" button and went ramming into the table, shoving it across the floor! I was standing in line, waiting to pay, and I absolutely lost it. It tickles me to death when the chair seems to have a mind of its own. Kind of like Herbie - possessed!

It's Funny What's Now Funny

2010-01-15T07:08:00.000-08:00

Blogging is becoming more difficult for me. I don't have cute kids in the house constantly giving me writing material, and our lives certainly aren't terribly exciting. Thus, severe creative block!

So, I was trying to think what was the last thing that really cracked me up. Something that caused me to laugh heartily. I'll have to admit - it's Don. He has a very dry wit. In fact, I sometimes question whether he's actually trying to be funny or if the funny just happens. Either way, life with him is genuinely amusing sometimes.

Take a couple nights ago, for instance. Before we officially retire for the evening, we generally watch the news. He lies with his head at the opposite end of the bed, and I prop myself up at the head. It's been increasingly difficult for him to even get on the bed, so he's been trying to work out a "method" to make it easier. This night, it didn't work. He was stuck. He didn't want to roll (which I've helped him with before), he wanted to move up higher. His legs don't work to help him, so he was trying to wiggle himself up onto the pillow. After watching (and, I'll admit it, giggling at him) for a few minutes, I asked if he needed help. He told me what he was trying to accomplish, and I set out to help. I pulled and tugged and laughed till I peed my pants and never could get him moved onto the pillow. Finally, I had a brilliant idea. Let's move the pillow DOWN! It worked and he was happy.

If this illness has taught me anything, it's that you can find humor anyplace you look for it. I don't mean laughing inappropriately or rudely - but laughing WITH someone over things that just happen. I'm glad to learn that my honey can be funny. REALLY funny. It keeps a smile in my heart, but, as my niece would say, it also keeps my eyes sparkly!

Pass the Tissues, Please

2009-12-30T10:51:00.000-08:00

Last night, we went to Tom and Linda's for a music night. We've been doing this for months, and we have things down to a routine.

I, personally, have noticed some deterioiration in Don over the past few weeks, but I don't think he had really acknowledged to himself that there was any digression. He always uses his rollator (a walker with wheels and a seat) to get into Tom's, because there's no other way for him to get in. I shot Tom a glance when he came out to the car to help us in, letting him know that Don was going to need help. When Don first approached the back steps, he said something like, "Now, I think I can do it, but stay close, Tom." I knew better. He couldn't even make it up the first step without Tom's lifting his leg to help him place it on the step. He was exhausted by the time he got to the top. Then, he was just SURE he could do it alone when it was time to go back down to come home. Not to be.

When we got home, I could tell he was troubled. He laid down on the loveseat and closed his eyes, so I didn't bother him. When we got in bed, I asked him if he wanted to talk - and he did. We chatted for a while about the illness, what it's doing to us, how it's changing our lives, and how blessed we are to have each other and such wonderful family and friends. After we talked a while, his spirits were lifted and he was ready to go to sleep.

My life has had less tragedy than many - at least I feel that way. We've been truly blessed, both on the Ellis side and the Stewart side. I continue to pray for a complete healing. Until that comes, Don and I are pledged to making the best life possible for him. Tina Turner sings, "What's Love Got to Do With It?" I reply, "EVERYTHING!"

I'm Human - VERY Human

2009-12-28T19:29:00.001-08:00

I have felt the stress of the holidays (and everything else) the last couple days, and today in particular. I allow how other people feel about me to completely dictate my life at times; this is one of those times. There is a person that I'm in frequent contact with who has made it no secret that they find it difficult to be around me. I honestly feel that I've bent over backward to pacify - but maybe that's wishful thinking. It's going to be necessary for me to be working with this person within the next few days, and I'm almost making myself physically ill with dread. Why can't I just put it out of my mind, let it slide off my back, and go my merry way? Don't know. I think just writing it out helps release a bit of the tension, though. I suppose it's okay that not everyone likes me. In fact, I guess it's okay that some people can't STAND me. But it doesn't make me happy. I'm not content with that.

So, I'm struggling emotionally - and hating it. I've been down this road before. I don't like the journey. I will make a conscious effort to turn my thoughts to positive things when negative thoughts crowd their way in. I will not dwell on hurtful things that have been said and done. I will be a better person for all that I'm battling. Okay. That's my positive confession. Now, to carry it through to fruition!

Life's An Adventure

2009-12-15T17:21:00.000-08:00

Today, Don and I decided to visit a little restaurant near us for lunch, aptly named "Itty Bitty." It only seats 35 people, and I think that may be only if everyone weighs 120 or less.

Don opted to use his powerchair, since he's a bit weak to go far with his rollator. As we entered the place, there was a small table just inside the door to our right. That wouldn't work for Don. He didn't want the draft from the door. So, he chose a table on the other side of the room in the opposite corner. The place was crowded, so winding our way across the floor was an adventure. Don thought he would get behind the table, back to the window, facing the crowd -- so he began his grueling route. When he started through, there wasn't enough room between the neighboring table and the one he had chosen for us. After he had knocked the table about three inches in one direction and then the other, a voice piped up, "I don't think that table's supposed to be movable!" Man, was my face red!

He finally got himself situated, we ordered, ate, and made as hasty a retreat as is possible in a crowded room maneuvering a powerchair. You've heard of a bull in a china shop?

I've Gotta New Attitude!

2009-12-11T07:22:00.000-08:00

As a usual thing, I dread the holidays. It's a change from my routine, and I don't deal well with change. I'm usually more busy than I should be (have a hard time saying "no"), and get myself in a tizzy.

This year, however, I seem to be dealing with things better. I'm already more busy than I need to be, but I'm taking it in stride. Things can only frustrate me if I allow it - right?

In the wee hours of the morning, Don's 94-year-old mama fell out of bed and broke her femur. She's undergoing surgery right now to put in a rod and pin. Now THAT'S having a heavy situation to deal with! She's complaining about having the surgery, but she's dealing beautifully with the pain issues (they have her on morphine now, but she wasn't doing much complaining even before the morphine). She knows what difficult times are, and I'm sure she's seen worse than what she's going through now.

It's all in the attitude. Some days, mine stinks! But controlling my fears and anxieties is something I'm growing into - a day at a time. The holidays hold no terror. I'm free to laugh, love and enjoy! Join me!

A Year to be Thankful

2009-11-23T05:51:00.000-08:00

Wow! This year has brought all kinds of changes to my life - some good, some not so good. I will be 62 years old tomorrow, and I think I may be FINALLY learning some things that I should have learned many years ago.

1. Don't sweat the small stuff. I'm learning to not place undue importance on things that don't really matter.

2. Cherish family and friends. We've had to lean heavily on some of our friends and family this year, and no one has bowed beneath the weight we've put on them. Thanks, guys and gals!

3. Realize that dwelling on unpleasant things doesn't help my state of mind. I can't help what others say, think or do - even if it affects me in a personal and hurtful way. I'm only responsible for myself. I CAN control what I choose to think about.

4. God has been very gracious to me. Don and I married when I was 18, very naive, and very immature in lots of ways. God gave me a wonderful man who would stand by me and support me despite my flaws (and,I will add - for those of you who think Don is perfect - that goes both ways!), and we've built a beautiful life together.

5. Look around and see all the things I have to be thankful for. We've had some difficult times, but not as difficult as some others have had. No matter the trial, God has provided the needed strength.

It's been a good year. I'm gearing up for a wonderful forever!

What, Exactly, Is Faith?

2009-11-06T07:29:00.000-08:00

As you know, hubby was diagnosed almost two years ago with ALS, a terminal disease where all your voluntary muscles die. It's actually much more complicated than that, but that's a simple explanation.

Let me begin by saying that we believe in divine healing - miracles. We've actually experienced some in our own lives and have seen others who have also experienced unexplained healings and happenings. Problem is, we didn't write down the formula. I can't tell you why we received a miracle one time and not another. In all honesty, I don't believe there is a simple Step 1, Step 2, Step 3 formula, and I automatically turn a deaf ear to those who try to give me the instruction sheet. I know I must have faith (even as a grain of mustard seed). I know the healing comes to the glory of God. I've read scripture to build my faith and put me on solid standing. But that's about as far as my religious insight goes.

So, when people tell me to "call what is not as though it is" or not to say my husband has ALS, because then I'm laying claim to the disease, I struggle with that. I know there's life and death in our words, but is denying the truth speaking condemnation on ones self? I believe God can heal Don, but do I think I have some sort of secret concoction for obtaining this healing? No! If God was limited by our words, how did Jesus raise Lazarus? Mary and Martha were both rather blunt with Jesus in telling him he had come too late. What about those times when people were raised from the dead when the mourners were already outside the door going through their loud chants and groanings? It didn't limit God's ability in any way.

I'm probably being far too "open" in posting my feelings, but I'll freely confess that I don't understand all spiritual things. I know God is in control, and I know that both Don and I strive to live our lives in a way we believe is pleasing to Him. If being positive means I put off or fail to deal with daily needs he has, then I'll have to decline that positive stance. If having faith means I accept where I am today and deal with it in an affirmative way, knowing that God can still, in His omnipotent power, reach down and give my sweetheart a miracle - then, I'm in. Lord, I believe; help Thou my unbelief!

With a Thankful Heart

2009-10-25T20:29:00.001-07:00

The last few days have been very busy around here. The roof over our attached garage began leaking a few months back. Don's brother fixed the leak, but a re-roofing job was imperative. On Friday, Tom and a friend started the job. It was cold, windy and misty. A nasty day to be on a roof, but they persevered. Saturday, more help showed up, the day went well, and we went to bed thankful for God's goodness in giving us such a wonderful family and friends. Today, Sunday, was the best crew ever. They finished the job in record time. My brother, who has Parkinson's and wasn't keen on getting on the roof, cut out my burning bushes in front of the house that I've been loathing for the last couple of years. He also trimmed our Chinese dogwood tree; it looks so nice. Dondra had come down last night and helped me prepare three pans of enchiladas. Think I probably had about 16 people eat lunch here. (I know it was more than 12, because we used all my dinnerware and had to pull out the everyday set.) When they left, my kitchen was clean. The yard looks better than it has for a long time. They picked up every single bit of trash out of the yard. I have a new roof. And God has once again proven his great faithfulness and favor.

On the negative side, we've seen a bit of failing in Don the last few days. Don't know if it's the colder weather or what, but his lower body is weaker. Think that stopped him from being out there almost the whole time someone was working on the house? Not on your life! He's such a trooper.

It amazes me how God can drop peace in a heart right in the middle of a dark night. Hope in the midst of hopelessness. Joy in the enduring of hard trials. He is ever faithful and good to His children. I want to hug Him close - with a thankful heart.

It's a Good Life

2009-09-20T17:23:00.000-07:00

Today, my "baby" boy turned 42. That's so hard for me to believe. We had everyone over to the house for dinner to celebrate. Yummy (totally unhealthy) meal of roast, potatoes, carrots, mushrooms, green beans, yeast rolls and yum yum for dessert - cherry or chocolate, your choice.

I can't keep my mind from wandering back 42 years ago, when that precious baby boy was born. I was 19 and totally excited to be a new mom. He was such a perfect first baby. Easy-going, good eater, not demanding or given to fits of temper. He was sleeping 12 hours a night when he was two weeks old - unheard of nowadays. A good "starter" child for a young woman who thinks she has it all together (but, in reality, has so much to learn). I loved being a mom. We were very strapped financially, but I tried to make good times for us anyway. Hubby worked straight afternoons, so it was Jeff and I together for long hours most days. We sang. I read stories to him. I got in the floor and played with him. I taught him, and he was so eager to learn - EVERYTHING!

The teen years brought some heartache and indecision on our part. We weren't certain how to handle him all the time, and I think he knew that. But we all survived.

Forty-two years have passed. He's grown into a wonderful man, and his life encompasses so much - loving husband, caring father, successful businessman, Godly example to his family. A man of integrity. Who could ask for more?

I reflect, and I thank God. We haven't always done things right, but we've always had hearts after God. Seeing who and what our son has become makes me proud. Life has been good - to us and to him.

A Matter of Perspective

2009-09-15T12:22:00.000-07:00

Today, we spent a couple hours at United Access in St. L. having the EZ Lock bolt taken off Don's loaner chair that he's been using and put onto his own personal powerchair that we received Friday. While there, I noticed a family (husband, wife and son) who were also waiting on a vehicle to be serviced. She and I struck up a conversation. It seems that her son, Daniel, was born apparently perfect. He caught on well and was picking up words right on schedule. But, when the time came for him to start trying to walk, it simply didn't happen. The doctor said the child was just lazy, but Kate's mother heart knew otherwise. He did finally learn to pull himself around in a clumsy crawl that was more like a bunny hop than a crawl. The doctors took another look, diagnosed him with CP, and told them he probably wouldn't survive past childhood. When he was 17 months old, he went into a seizure and seized for four days and four nights. When the seizures finally passed, he had lost all physical function that he had developed and his speech had completely digressed.

In the meantime, Kate became pregnant again. She carried the baby girl full term, but the child only lived a short time before dying. They never really found out the reason for her death. This young family was devastated. The doctors assured Kate that the chance for another child they birthed to have CP was remote, so she and her husband decided to try to have another baby. Rachel, too, was born with CP. She lived 16 years, most of which were very painful for her. She was a bright child, but was trapped in a body that was twisted and pained. When Rachel was 16, she needed a serious heart surgery; Rachel didn't survive the surgery.

This past February, Kate had a seizure. They still haven't figured out what happened to her, but the seizure left her unsteady on her feet and with memory problems. She had to quit her job as a high school teacher.

Daniel, who is now 30, became more than they were able to care for at home, so they have had to place him in a facility that specializes in independent living for the handicapped.

I spoke with this lady for quite a while and assured her that we would put her family in our prayers. She asked if we could exchange phone numbers, because sometimes she just needed someone to talk to. How could I refuse?

Sometimes God presents us with very special opportunities to minister. I feel like He placed me where I was this morning just so Kate would have a listening ear. Or, maybe it was more than that. Maybe God wanted me to see my own situation from a different perspective. Once again, I'm feeling blessed and highly favored!

Thanks for the Memories!

2009-08-30T11:35:00.000-07:00

Don and I were privileged to go back to Bethel in East Alton this morning. They had asked the High Road Pickers to come entertain at Old Friends' Day, which began with a yummy (Sue Carter style) breakfast at 9 and an outdoor service at 10:30. The service began with Tisha leading a worship song, which caused my mind to go back. Several of the young people that various churches are now reaping the talents of have roots in my little group of kids in Children's Church at Bethel Pentecostal Church in East Alton. Some are active in music ministry, several in children's ministry, teaching and encouraging. I will admit to feeling a bit of parental pride when I hear of their accomplishments. We had an awesome kids' choir back then. Twenty-five to thirty-five voices strong, with three part harmony. Amazing! I worked hard at planting the Word in their hearts and hope I helped them find the joy of sharing that Word, either through story-telling or singing.

A little walk down memory lane. Makes me very thankful for all the wonderful friends and family God has placed along that path.

A Balance of Grace and Truth

2009-08-25T16:10:00.000-07:00

We're studying "7 Secrets of Successful Families" by Jimmy Evans in our young married class. This second chapter has been rich. It's titled,"A Balance of Grace and Truth." I wish I had read this book years ago, when my own family was young. John 1:14 says, "And the Word was made flesh, and dwelt among us, and we beheld his glory, the glory as of the only begotten of the Father, full of grace and truth." Further, in John 1:17, "For the law was given by Moses, but grace and truth came by Jesus Christ." Jesus was the perfect balance of grace and truth - the setting of boundaries and the use of loving guidance when the boundaries were violated. Jimmy Evans puts it this way, "A successful family is a playground with a fence around it. A family of truth without grace is like a fence without a playground. A family of grace without truth is like a playground without a fence." He added these equations: Rules + Relationship = Righteousness
Rules - Relationship = Rebellion
Relationship - Rules = Destruction
I don't believe we have to set aside discipline or correction to exhibit love to/for our children. On the other hand, when we set rules and forget the "grace" factor, we tend to be overly stern and rigid. Unfortunately, I think that's where I fit. There's certainly a balance of the two, but it takes a strong, determined, Christ-centered parent to find it and make it a consistent part of family living.

Looking back, I'm thankful that God makes our children so amazingly resilient. While I feel we did many things very, very right as parents, we also failed miserably in some areas. As I watch our son parent his children, I see him continuing some of the things he learned from us. Thankfully, I also see him carving out new paths, being brave enough to set aside the things he thinks weren't effective and incorporating new methods. There's hope!

An imbalance of truth and grace can create disastrous results. I've seen it happen. But we are ever growing and learning - even at 61 years of age. As we become more like Christ, the perfect balance of grace and truth will become more evident in our life and in our relationships with our family.

I recommend the book.

It's Just a Hiccup

2009-08-19T11:30:00.000-07:00

We've been waiting six weeks for the delivery of Don's power chair. It will make life so much easier for him, because it's a lot more stable than the scooter he's now using. He's tipped over a couple times on the current scooter and has had several close calls. However, we were told today that we were rejected for the chair. Don isn't bad enough, they say. He can still feed himself, dress himself, and bathe himself. I told the rep that I can now better understand why so many have told us, "Our chair is like brand new. We got it the week before (our loved one) died." They want to wait until you're past going before they commit to help you.

There are some positives, though. Since they don't consider him "bad enough" to qualify, we're thanking God. He IS still able to feed himself. I can remember when those days passed for Dad, and I'm not ready to see Don at that place. He CAN still dress himself. It's a chore, and I have to give him occasional assistance. But thank you, God, for Don's tenacity. As long as he's able at all, he WILL be taking care of himself (and me, too, as much as he's able). Bathing is a bit more complicated. He takes his rollator (the walker with four wheels and a seat) into the bathroom, then transfers himself to the shower seat, doing the same thing in reverse when he's done. He's exhausted by the end of his shower, but he DOES bathe himself. So, keep your power chair, Medicare, if it means my sweet, hard-working honey has to lose more of his independence and pride to get one. We'll do just fine with this scooter, thank you very much!

Piper's Gone

2009-08-06T14:03:00.000-07:00

We had to have our little Piper put to sleep today. He was gravely ill with little to no hope for recovery. We're very sad, but he was a bright little light in our hearts and home for about a year and a half. We certainly gave him a better life than he had had living in a crate for those many years before. If there are animals in Heaven, I know Piper's there. He was the best!

Sick as a Dog

2009-08-06T07:07:00.000-07:00

Our little dog, Piper, is very sick - possibly sick unto death. It makes us so sad to see him suffering the way he is. It all started on Sunday. Without going into the yukky details, I'll just tell you that I had a bloody mess to clean up in his crate, and he didn't eat a single bite all day. Monday, I coaxed him into eating a few bites of softened (in water) Cheerios and a piece of one of his treats. Tuesday, about the same. Yesterday, he didn't eat a single bite again. The poor thing is nothing but a bag of bones. This morning, he wouldn't even come out of his crate. I bodily picked him up (which he used to hate. Loved being petted, but not picked up) and carried him outside. He did nothing. He's been such a good little dog, if I overlook his poopie accidents, which he has never totally overcome. Don's been praying for him. I'm taking him to the vet at 11 today. More to come.

For Better, For Worse . . .

2009-08-03T12:46:00.000-07:00

I'm wondering, just who was it that gave young couples the belief that it was okay to throw up their hands and quit when they come to a bump in the road of marriage? What part of "for better, for worse" do they not understand?

As you know, my honey of 43 years has been diagnosed with ALS (Lou Gehrig's disease). It has changed our lives tremendously, but there's one thing that hasn't changed - unless it has increased - and that's our love for and commitment to each other. Sure, there have been numerous times when we could have thrown up our hands in surrender to the status quo. Lots of instances when it would have been easier to give in to defeat than to fight for what we had committed to. But we chose to take the high road (the harder road, sometimes), because we had pledged before God, our family and friends to take each other "for better, for worse." I know. The "worse" part stinks. But the "better" part is well worth fighting for.

I'm convinced, if we could step back and see the big picture, we would all work more diligently at making our marriage relationships as secure and safe as we possibly could. In the "worse", the "better" is what carries you through!

Permission Denied!

2009-07-26T19:10:00.000-07:00

Don and I were recently conducting some business at the bank. The young lady taking care of us left the office for a few minutes, and I noticed a quote by Eleanor Roosevelt hanging, framed, on her wall. Mrs. Roosevelt was quoted as saying, "No one can make you feel inferior without your permission." I've thought of that quote several times since.

For as long as I can remember, I've had an inferiority complex. Yes, I know I'm a God's Kid, fashioned in His image, and that God doesn't make junk. I know all that in my head, but, some days, I have a hard time getting it in my heart. My love gift is words of affirmation, and if someone offers even constructive criticism, it's almost like a slap in the face to me. I'm not going to pschoanalyze myself, but I simply know it's been something I've dealt with all my life. People tell me I don't come across as insecure, and I'm thankful for that, because I would often rather crawl in a hole somewhere than put myself forward.

But that quote started a motor whirring in my spirit. No one can make me feel inferior unless I give them permission to do so. If they have problems, I don't have to take them on as my own. Even if they're unable to relate to me in a positive way, that isn't necessarily my fault - so I don't have to make it such. I'm going to mull it over some more, but I think I'm going to do better with this little quirk of mine in the future. I'm as secure as I allow myself to be. Wow! What a revelation!

It was just a joke!

2009-07-22T13:30:00.000-07:00

Almost a month ago, we had our first appointment at the ALS Clinic at St. Louis University. While there, one of the therapists measured Don for a foot brace (his left foot drops, and his toes will catch, causing him to fall). She had approached me slyly and said, "How about we tell Don that this brace only comes in this butterfly design, just to see what he says." They had already caught on that Don is very much a manly man. So, we pulled the joke on him, trying to convince him that his brace could only come enhanced with lots of pastel-colored butterflies. Let me just say, he was glad it was a joke.

This morning, I received a call from the same therapist before our 2:30 p.m. appointment to get the brace fitted in St. Louis. She said, "Mrs. Stewart, you simply are NOT going to believe this. Do you know what design they sent Mr. Stewart's brace in? Butterflies!" She had obviously pushed the wrong button when ordering. The irony of the situation was just too much to let her off lightly. She asked me to break the news gently to Don, but I told her I wasn't going to tell him anything. She would just have to explain it when we got over there!

But, you know, all things DO work together for good . . . Don's sleep is often interrupted by his calf cramping. He has long thought it's because he can't lift his foot, and that muscle gets over-tired from being in the same position all the time. He was anxious to wear the brace at night, hoping to help the calf cramping. The therapist said we could only get one brace, so we would just have to put this one in and out of his shoe each time he wore it. After the order error, she said she would overlook the "only one per family" rule and let us have both the butterfly brace and the new black one she's ordering. Our younger grandson got a lot of enjoyment out of seeing Pa with his butterfly brace! But all's well that ends well.

Boy, Was My Face Red!

2009-07-18T12:10:00.000-07:00

I've had a bit too much excitement for one day! We have two hummingbird feeders at our house, one in the front and one in the back. The little stinkers have been drinking from them like crazy, so I'm having to refill them every two or three days. This morning, I decided to get my "brew" ready for the feeder in the back. The process involves mixing 1/4 cup sugar with 1 cup water, then bringing the mixture to a boil. As soon as it starts to boil, I pour it into another container and add a few drops of red food coloring. When it cools, I put it into the feeder and mount it where it belongs.

This morning was different. I had put my mixture on the stove and was bringing it to a boil when something else (who knows what) took my attention. I ended up on the computer downstairs, probably on Facebook. (I AM somewhat addicted - but just somewhat.) Anyway, the next thing I know, this odd alarm sound is going off in the house. I ran upstairs to find the problem and was met by smoke and an acrid smell coming from my little pan on the stove that held the now charcoaled water/sugar mixture. I quickly went in to our alarm and turned it off. It came on again. Again, I turned it off. What I didn't know at the time is that you have to turn it off twice in quick succession to get the fire alarm to actually deactivate. Next thing I know, a fire engine has pulled up in front and two garbed firemen are approaching the house. I ran out explaining that it was false alarm. I don't think they were amused.

I've learned two things from this episode today: (1) Try to keep a watch on the boiling pan of hummingbird syrup. If it's left unattended, it WILL turn to charcoal and badly smoke up your house setting off the alarm; (2) To turn the fire alarm off, you have to go through the "off" process twice in quick succession. Let all who read be warned!

The Sights and Smells of Home

2009-07-14T14:06:00.001-07:00

I just finished putting my sixth loaf of zucchini bread in the oven. The scent of warm cinnamon is floating on the breeze, and I started thinking. . .

Sights and smells I love:
1. Seeing Don interact and play with the grandkids or seeing them put their arms around him and give him a smooch.
2. The smell of a fresh pot of coffee in the morning.
3. Watching Don and our grown son and daughter exchange hugs and back pats.
4. The fresh smell of my sweetheart after a hot shower.
5. Seeing the tiny hummingbirds at our feeders in the front and back.
6. Breathing the "baby" smell of lotion when I love on little people.
7. Crawling into a freshly changed bed.
8. The toothless smile of a baby.
9. The scent of something good in the oven.
10. Seeing an old friend.

Makes me smile just thinking about all these things!

. . . And a Wonderful Time Was Had by All

2009-07-07T20:22:00.000-07:00

Tonight was such a wonderfully fun night! It was music night, and we hosted. I had spent most of the day yesterday preparing yeast dough for homemade pizza tonight. I also had potato salad and strawberry shortcake. Mom and a couple of the Stewart sisters-in-law brought goodies as well. We had about 25 people in and out during the evening. A new couple came who was visiting with one of the couples who comes all the time. It's always great to make new friendships with good people. The music was enjoyable. The company couldn't be beat. The food was yummy. I'm exhausted - but it's a happy kind of exhausted.

My life has changed completely in the last year. I rarely do things just for or by myself anymore; Don and I nearly always do things together. It matters a great deal to me that he spends time doing things he enjoys. And he enjoys playing music! Right now, my life is seeing Don smile as he's surrounded by his friends and family. Can't beat it!

Is It Thanksgiving Yet?

2009-07-03T20:36:00.000-07:00

The past few days have been some of our busiest for a while, but I've been overwhelmingly thankful for my life - where I am, who I'm with, and why I'm here - several times.

1. They ran a special segment on CBS News last night about ALS. The man they interviewed was clearly more advanced than my honey. I'm thankful Don's where he is and no worse. If a miracle doesn't come, we know what to expect. But I'm thankful for the here and now. I love having him be able to go places with me, even if it is on a rollator or scooter. His company is priceless.

2. On Sunday evening, we met with a number of our very dearest friends and family to celebrate our time at Bethel, when Bro. and Sis. Brand pastored there. What a joy to see old friends. Sis. Brand often says, "Make new friends, but keep the old. The new are silver, but the old are gold." We spent time with golden friends on Sunday.

3. Tuesday night was bluegrass night. Our guys aren't dyed-in-the-wool bluegrassers. They play some oldtime gospel, some honky-tonk, and other music as well. We had a great time socializing, and Don enjoyed being with his music playing buddies. All except one of the Stewart siblings were there. What a treat!

4. We got the four younger grands yesterday and kept them overnight. They're always delightful. While we were at Dollar Tree today letting them each spend their dollar, I noticed a woman at the checkout. She had a whole troop of little people with her. I asked her if they were siblings, and she replied that they were sextuplets! I knew exactly who she was. Before the babies were born (there are two older girls as well), Don helped put the air-conditioning in the home friends and family were renovating for this young couple who were, at the time she was pregnant, living in a two-bedroom home. All six little people, who are now five, are healthy and as cute as little bugs. I somehow felt connected to her, since Don had played an important part in preparing their home for them. Friends I didn't even know I had!

5. This evening, Don's sister, who is visiting from Tulsa, and his mom came over to spend some time. I've always greatly admired this particular sister-in-law. Maybe because we were friends even before I started dating her big brother. She's been an inspiration to me, and her faith and genuine experience with God always encourage me. Some people SAY they have it, but this woman really does! I love having her as my sister-in-law.

I'm looking forward to tomorrow. We have absolutely NOTHING on the calendar. We're getting with our kids on Sunday evening, so there will be lots of cooking and planning for me to do before then. But, for the moment, I think I'll bask in the good memories and blessings that God has given me. They're many. They're sweet. And they're undeserved.

Good Times in Branson

2009-06-15T17:18:00.001-07:00

We Found a Golden Nugget!

2009-06-15T08:29:00.000-07:00

We returned last evening from a trip to Branson, provided by my sis and BIL. What a treat it was! We thought our Branson days might be over, because I can't manage all the "things" it takes to get Don in and out now, but BIL made all that manageable.

We did a lot of fun things, but there was one highlight that I think I'll remember (and Don will remember) for the rest of my life. We wanted to go to a show on Friday evening, but didn't know what we wanted to see. Of course, hubby prefers bluegrass, but we were having a hard time finding a venue to fit the bill. We finally settled on a family show appearing at the IMAX called Crossties. The fiddler was a cajun champion, and he was good. The 19-year-old girl played the stand-up bass, and she was one of the best I'd heard. The mom provided lead on most of the vocals and played some guitar. But the best was the banjo/guitar/dobro player dad. That guy was AWESOME. Neither Don nor I have ever heard any better. The crowd was small (economy, I guess), so there was a lot of interaction between the performers and the audience. At one point, one of the performers said, "Hey, did you know we have a guitar thumb picker in the audience? He plays with his own bluegrass band in Louisiana?" As soon as it quieted down a bit, my BIL yelled out, "And we have a 5-string banjo picker back here, too!" So, the group invited the guitar picker and Don down to the stage to do a couple songs with them. Don is unable to get down to the stage, so they brought this beautiful $6000+ banjo up to the top row, where we were sitting, for Don to play. The thumb picker was good, and Don played along with that song. Then, it was Don's turn. Unfortunately, he chose a song none of the other musicians knew, but he was game and went ahead with it anyway. He was shaking like a leaf by the time he finished, but they all clapped and yelled, and he was beaming for all he was worth. It was wonderful! I've rarely seen him so excited. It was such fun for him. We took some pictures of the "awesome" banjo picker and my "awesome" honey, which I'm sure will be treasures for Don. The guy gave us his card and asked us to keep in touch. He said we had really touched his life, and he thought Don had such a sweet spirit. (Well, we knew that all along, didn't we?)

I'm thankful for all the golden nuggets God allows us to find along the pathway of life. This was one of those times. Much thanks to my sis and BIL for making it possible.

Death of a Dream?

2009-06-07T13:42:00.000-07:00

When I was younger, my life was consumed by gospel music. I played it, sang it, directed it and devoured it. Almost every dimension of my life was somehow touched by music. It was my gift - my minstry. A few years ago, life as I knew it changed. Due to certain circumstances, I was no longer in the ministry of music. To be completely honest, I was lost. It was like cutting off an arm or a leg and having to learn to function with some semblance of normality after the loss. My heart was broken, and my spirit was faltering.

Our lives continued to make changes, and, although God opened up other doors of ministry, music was not one of them - at least not in a substantive way. While I continue to miss it, I've noticed a change in my heart of hearts. I no longer need to minister in music to survive. While I haven't yet decided whether that's a good thing, a bad thing, or simply part of the evolution of my life, it's definitely a change. I quit listening to music at home a while back, because I found myself constantly arranging it for a choir or a group. And that part of my life was gone. Listening to the music just tormented me. I'm opening my heart back up to it again, and find myself able to listen for the pure joy of listening.

As doors in life open and close, we're called upon to make some adjustments that we hadn't foreseen or planned. I may never again in this lifetime actually have a ministry in music, but I'm getting better with that. I have other callings, other gifts. Nobler missions. Death of a dream? I don't really know. Beginning of a new chapter? Definitely.

Lights. Camera. ACTION!

2009-05-28T18:45:00.000-07:00

Think my honey and his little bluegrass buddies are headed for the big time. No kidding. (Well, just a little.) They played at a recent BBQ at a senior citizen's home in Greenville, IL. It was hard to tell if the patients enjoyed their performance or not, but the nursing staff loved it. As a result, someone contacted them about playing a couple sessions at the Bond County State Fair in Greenville, IL in August. They're like a bunch of kids. Full of excitement - especially Don's youngest brother. I mean to tell you, he is in this thing heart and soul. (Think they could write a song about that!) They're practicing at least once a week, getting ready for the big day. I knew all of you would be interested, just in case you're in the Greenville, IL area around the 26th of August. Y'all come!

A Rainy Day

2009-05-25T17:42:00.001-07:00

It has rained almost this whole day long. I have no idea what our kids were doing today, but my honey and I spent the day alone. Gloomy? Indeed. Boring? Sometimes.

But, in the midst of the boredom, there was a bright spot or two. Hubby and I watched the movie "Faith Like Potatoes." Although we had a hard time understanding the actors (whether our hearing or their accent was at fault, who knows?), it was very inspirational. Equally as inspiring was the documentary about the main character that we watched after the movie. It lifted our faith to see the things this Angus Buchan has accomplished. Lord knows, in our present situation, the occasional boost of faith is a welcome thing.

It has also been a day of reminiscing for my honey. Maybe the rain causes him to be more contemplative. He was lying on the couch remembering what he was able to do two or three months ago that he's no longer able to do. It could have been disheartening, but, instead, we felt thanksgiving in our hearts for what he's still able to do.

So, just as the sun will shine again in a day or two (I hope!). Likewise, there's a silver lining to every cloud in our lives. Lord, give me courage to face the rain, always waiting and watching for the sun to shine tomorrow!

Encore! Encore!

2009-05-21T05:46:00.000-07:00

If you know my hubby and me at all, you may know that our likes and dislikes are sometimes poles apart. I love music - almost all types. But, if there's one that I might like the least, it's probably bluegrass (or head-bangin' rock, which I consider to be just as hokey). Anyway, of all the varieties of music out there, can you guess which one my honey is most into? You guessed it - bluegrass.

For the last several months, Don's youngest brother has been having a "jam fest" at their house every two weeks. We take in food for snacking, and the group of "jammers" bring their instruments and take seats all around the walls in the livingroom to do their thing. All ages come to enjoy the camaraderie and fun.

The music is engrafted in me. When I was a child, every time we would visit Grandma and Grandpa's house in the country, Sis and I would be awakened on Sunday morning by the sound of a violin (actually, Grandpa called it the fiddle), guitar or dobro. We kids would have spent the night on the hide-a-bed or on the floor, and Grandpa would be saying, "Hey, wake up and sing for me!" It was a routine. I never hear fiddle music but what I think of Grandpa and the legacy of music he left for his family. Through the years, my taste changed a bit. I became more fond of Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir, Christ Church, Israel Houghton and New Breed, and Hillsong. But, deep inside my heart, when I hear that fiddle tuning up and the banjo start strumming those first few notes, something stirs, flutters and comes to life. I tell myself that I'm just "into" it because that's what Don loves, but I think it's more than that. The music is basic, simple and melodic. It speaks to me and beckons me to join the group. Pat my foot. Harmonize with the singers. Before I realize what has happened, I'm totally engrossed. An active member of the "jammers." The old hymns and toe-tappin' songs awaken a part of my soul that is dulled by lack of use. I come to life. I sing along. I laugh and become a part of this jolly band of minstrels. At the end of the song, we applaud ourselves and wait in anticipation for the next ripple of notes.

It's the Small Things . . .

2009-05-03T16:44:00.000-07:00

We had the four younger grandchildren Friday night and Saturday, and I made some interesting (and uplifting) observations. They've been with hubby through this whole health ordeal we've been going through, so they're very aware that he's worsening. We decided to take a drive up the River Road, intending to stop at the Grafton Ferry loading area and feed the seagulls, after lunching at the KFC/Taco Bell buffet in Alton. Hubby uses his scooter any time there's much walking involved at all, and we didn't really have room in the vehicle for both the rollator and the scooter anyway. The oldest girl (who also happens to be the biggest) made herself available as my official "loading helper." It's a task to disassemble the scooter and load it, then unload it and assemble it all again every time we stop somewhere. But she was right there. The younger grandson was the doorman and also assisted Pa in getting into the bathroom. The middle granddaughter was always looking out for Pa's welfare, getting his drink for him at the restaurant, making sure he had just the right seat at the table, clearing the path so he wouldn't trip over anything. I had noticed that the youngest granddaughter kept herself a bit apart. Maybe she didn't feel as comfortable as the others in public. But she made my heart bubble when, as we were dropping the kids off, she made double trips to Pa to give him a big hug and kiss.

It isn't always the big things that make the sun shine in your heart. Sometimes it's those little tokens of kindness. I've had two of the young women in our Sunday School class recently tell me that they believe God has placed me in their lives for a special purpose. How great is that? How encouraging! I serve my honey in many ways at this point in our lives, but I still like it when he's quick with the "please" and "thank you." Remember to smile at others. Be kind to the waitress or waiter in the place where you eat. Don't snap at the mechanic when he tells you how much the repairs are. I'm saying all this because it's a lesson I need to learn myself. I had occasion this week to snap at a couple people, and I took full advantage of it!! Who was I impressing? No one. It's the little foxes that spoil the vine, and it's the little kindnesses that make the heart sing.

Mother, May I?

2009-04-30T14:36:00.001-07:00

Do you remember playing "Mother, May I" as a kid? That's the game where you all stand in a line, and the leader gives you instructions to follow. You respond with, "Mother, may I?" The leader then tells you whether you may or may not follow through with the instructions. Stupid game. The leader totally determines who's going to win; but we enjoyed playing it anyway.

Sometimes life is rather like that. We make our plans and dream our dreams, but then reality steps in and everything's changed. It's like the leader says, "Saundra, take three giant steps forward." I respond, "Mother, may I?", only to hear, "No, you may not!" I'm left standing right where I started or, even worse, told to take two baby steps backward. Makes me wonder, are dreams even worth dreaming? Is hope worth holding onto? Is there really a "happy ever after"?

You'd better believe it! The Bible says it this way: "And if our hope in Christ is only for this life, we are more to be pitied than anyone in the world. " I Corinthians 15:19 (NLT). There's so much more to life than today. Few things are more thrilling than having a dream and seeing that dream fulfilled. But what if it isn't fulfilled just the way we've planned. Does that make the end product of less value? I believe my Father is a much more giving, caring, sharing father than the mother in "Mother, May I?". When He plants dreams and hopes in our heart, we can be sure that, even if the end outcome is different than we had visioned, it's best. You hear that? BEST!

Hubby and I crossed another little bridge in our life today. We sold our camper. Had to be done. Don isn't able to hook it up, much less set it up after we reach a campsite. We loved that camper. Loved the sweet, leisure hours we spent in it. A segment of the dream we had for our golden years died. We had hoped to be able to take the grandkids and spend time hiking and fishing and camping. Life isn't, once again, turning out the way we had planned. But life is still good. In fact, it's more than good - it's wonderful.

The past year has taught me what love is all about. It isn't about things or places or money. It's about love. It's about family. It's about making memories by spending time together. Sharing goals. I may not see my future unfold exactly as I had planned, but what's coming is going to be just what I need. What's BEST for me. I'll face things I hoped never to face, but I'll face them with confidence that I can make it. For, though I didn't choose the end of my path, I did choose the One who walks the path with me.

Once a Hotrod, Always a Hotrod!

2009-04-21T06:47:00.000-07:00

Some personality traits can be changed, or at least refined. But I think there's one inherent male trait that, once you've been hit by it, never goes away. Hotrodding. My dear husband was known in his younger days for his wild, fast driving. Then, of course, there were the years of dirt-biking - even racing. Not to be outdone by his son, he took up bicycle racing when Jeff was a kid. In other words, he's always liked fast cars, bikes, etc.

The bug bit again yesterday. Don now has a scooter that he can ride when he's wanting to do things outside, but doesn't have the strength to go the distance with his rollator. We had our younger grandson for the evening, and hubby was showing him how to operate the scooter. There's a slant from the driveway into the garage to the driveway running up the side of the house. Don turned a little too sharply, and, before he knew what had happened, he was on the ground looking up! I glanced out the window in time to see a man from across the street coming across and instinctively knew something had happened. By the time I got out there, Don was already getting up and brushing himself off. He wasn't hurt (just a bit of an ego bruise). I had to laugh. It's bad when you're so engrained with the need for speed that you wreck your electric scooter! Some things just never change.

It's a Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood!

2009-04-13T12:24:00.000-07:00

Not realistically (it's very chilly and overcast), but emotionally. I'm on a high. I haven't bought me any new clothes except for tops in at least a couple years, so today was my shopping day. I ended up buying two outfits and had to drop down a size from what I usually wear on both. They weren't from the same store either, so don't try to bust my bubble by telling me, "Things are running big now." To be honest, they may be making them larger now, since the general population is growing in girth, but I refuse to believe that's the case. I don't even want to THINK about being honest in this situation. I'm too flattered! (My arm is getting a bit tired, though, from patting myself on the back!)

My "Thankful" List

2009-04-11T13:34:00.000-07:00

I haven't been blogging so much lately, mainly because our life doesn't have a lot of funny things going on at the moment. I always like reading the blogs that make me chuckle and cause me to remember good times I've had in the past. The things I'm recalling from my past at this stage of the game aren't always pleasant, but, oddly enough, I don't feel frightened by that. Maybe I'm naive, or just plain stupid. But I'm believing that my future exceeds my past. I know I never go through things alone. God is ever present, and we're surrounded by a host of friends and family who love us and care deeply for us. Thank God for that!

Here are some things I'm in the process of learning:

1. Things that used to bug me (like Don's snoring at night) look totally different to me when viewed from my present perspective. Now, when he snores, I thank God that he's beside me in bed. Nevermind that he's a bit NOISY!

2. Family and friends mean everything. Petty differences simply don't matter in the light of life and death. Although I may not agree, I can at least learn to tolerate.

3. Even in the darkest of days, God brings a ray of sunshine. Hope, in the midst of hopelessness. Laughter at the door of the tomb. Peace on a stormy sea. It's all there, but I may have to look for it.

4. I can say "no" to requests that cause me to be overloaded and extend me to the breaking point. Even more important, I can do so in such a way as to not offend. I've grown up feeling I needed to take on every task put before me. Not so. I'm neither qualified nor able to stretch myself that tightly anymore. Both Don and I deserve better of me.

5. Don't sweat the small stuff. Some things simply don't matter in the overall scheme of things.

6. Applaud the heroes. My dad was a hero. In the face of the terrible disease he had (the same one we're facing with Don now), Dad never lost his smile or sense of humor. He was a man of great integrity. My mom is my hero. I've never seen anyone deal with opposition and trouble with more finesse or grace. She made caring for Dad almost look easy, which it certainly was not. My brother is my hero. Despite having Parkinson's, he's ALWAYS fantastic. Just ask him!! You simply can't keep Gary down. My honey is quickly taking his place among my heroes. Complain about his circumstances? Wouldn't think of it. Stop living and enjoying the things he loves (like bluegrass on the first Monday evening of the month at Burger King)? Never happen. Clap. Clap. Clap. Hope you can hear the applause, my heroes.

7. Trouble never lasts forever. What seems insurmountable today will be only a memory tomorrow. Thank God for tomorrows!

Maybe I'll have a funny story to share soon. But, at the moment, we're simply surviving with grace. And that's a feat!

A Woman of Grace

2009-03-31T07:51:00.001-07:00

Don and I are blessed with many exemplary young people, on both sides of our family. I feel that my own children are heads and shoulders above many, but it doesn't end there. I have nieces and nephews whose lives far exceed anything I could ever hope to accomplish or even aspire to.

Which brings me to this post. I have one special niece who is incredibly bright, articulate and thoughtful. But she and I are poles apart on many of our views, specifically relating to child-rearing and family life. I can be just as opinionated, or more so, than she, so it leads to some differences of opinion.

Once again, recently, she showed me what a young woman of grace and Godliness she truly is. She posted. I had an opposing view. I usually refrain from expressing myself on her blog, because she is surrounded by loyal friends who feel much the same way about things as she does. However, this time I responded. Of course, I was shot down by some. However, this young lady handled the situation so lovingly, tactfully and gracefully, I couldn't help but admire her stance. Despite our differences (which she is fully aware of), she has never ONE TIME treated me with any ill-will or disrespect. That shows me what a special young lady she is. Truly a modern-day Woman of Grace.

I love you, dear niece, and respect your heart ways. When I grow up, I want to follow my heart the way you do.

An Element of Safety

2009-03-21T14:49:00.000-07:00

We met with the counsellor from ALS this week, and the visit was very informative. She came to the house and stayed about 2 1/2 hours. In the course of the conversation, she was asking us what some of our concerns are, and it came out that each time Don has to change his lifestyle to accommodate this disease, he feels like it's a step backwards, and it distresses him. I like what she said. She commented, "You need to change the way you look at it. Instead of feeling it's a digression, simply say to yourself that you're changing your lifestyle to add an element of safety. You're protecting yourself. It's worth the change if it keeps you from falling." Nice way to look at it.

I've had things in life that hit me square between the eyes. Setbacks. Disappointments. I've hurt so deeply that I felt I might never be able to trust again. But I've learned lessons from those times that I would not have learned any other way. I'm actively trying to change the way I view adversity. In learning new lessons, I'm adding an element of safety. I'm protecting myself. Maybe I'll be more cautious next time not to speak so quickly or thoughtlessly. Maybe I'll consider your feelings before I comment. Then again, maybe not! But, if I don't, I can expect to have to make some changes in my lifestyle, because I'll definitely be falling - taken down a notch! Hope I can learn the easy way.

Battle of the Bulge

2009-03-13T08:00:00.000-07:00

I've learned through the years that I exercise very little self-control where eating is concerned. For all my early life, I was painfully thin. I ate anything I wanted and in the quantities I desired without any ill-effects at all. Even after each baby, within six weeks I was two pounds lighter than I was when I got pregnant. Now, I've rolled into my 60s. Things have changed. Honestly, it began before then, but 60 seems to be some kind of mile-marker for most. I've discovered bulges in places that used to court long and lean. What happened? One sweet niece recently joined a gym; she's hoping to win the battle of the bulge by working out. That hurts my back and makes me all sweaty. Eeeeewww! I have a treadmill, but it's seldom used. I like walking the park, but Don hardly lets me out of his sight anymore. Anyway, on many days my "get up and go" got up and went! What to do? What to do? It might help if I cut portions, but then I'd likely pitch the leftover food that could be used to feed hundreds of children in China or India or someplace like that. (I ALWAYS cook more than it takes to feed the two of us.) A guilty conscience isn't worth the effort. What about eating more healthy - lots of fresh fruit and veggies? Actually, I've done that. But I love fruit, and I end up eating it by the basketful. Sounds like a self-control issue, doesn't it? I think I've come up with a solution, though. There's this wonderful under-garment that you can buy and it "automatically" removes those unwanted pounds, along with all the unsightly bags and bulges. I bought one. It kinda works! Getting in and out of the thing is enough exercise to last a week. I think I'm going to lose weight just putting the thing on. I'm the winner!!!

There's Nothing Wrong with "Nothing Wrong"

2009-02-27T20:28:00.001-08:00

I haven't posted a blog lately, because life has been going pretty well in the rutted norm. Then I got to thinking, "What's wrong with that?" We've had a lot of trauma and unsettling things happen in the last year with Don and in the last few weeks with Mom. We're learning ways to deal with Don's situation, and Mom is doing much better than you would expect her to be doing following a serious heart attack at nearly 83 years of age. So, tonight I'm posting because I've decided there's nothing wrong with "nothing wrong." In fact, that's a blessing! We're not having to run to the hospital every day to check on someone. Don and I are actually sleeping in our own bed - TOGETHER. Mom is home, sleeping in her own bed and loving it. Those are good things.

Besides that, we went this evening to visit our brand new little great-nephew, Seth Marshall. What an absolute doll he is. Is there anything that brings more joy than a new baby?

So, I'm posting because nothing's wrong. All's well. Don's strength slipped a little bit this week, but nothing overwhelming. We continue to look at our lot in life and be thankful. We have each other; we have wonderful family and friends; we have a faithful God.

Live in Mercy

2009-02-19T14:44:00.001-08:00

Don and I were watching Jentzen Franklin last evening on TV, and his sermon stirred me greatly. He was speaking about "Living in Mercy." He told an illustration about how, when the Bible was translated into Latin, there was an error made. The portion of scripture that talks about the Glory of the Lord being on Moses so that the people couldn't look upon his face somehow came out saying that Moses had horns. Consequently, since that's the interpretation Michaelangelo was using, every time he painted Moses, he painted him or sculpted him with a funny hairdo - horns on his head. Moses hadn't changed any, but the interpretation of him had.

God will bring people into our lives that we may strongly disagree with. We may feel that they are wrong in their intrepretation of scripture or are living their lives in error. We aren't interested in the background or the "why" of what they're doing. We've already painted horns on their head. It's important that we live in mercy. Learn to love those with whom we're in disagreement. There's a lesson to be learned in every life situation, and every person in our life has something to "grow" us if we'll take the time and patience to find it.

All I can say is, "Lord, help me." It's the merciful who will obtain mercy. If I want to receive it, I certainly better be extending it! Can I get a witness?

Home Sweet Home

2009-02-14T13:27:00.001-08:00

Mom decided after her outing with Elissa today that she did well enough to move back home. This is the second day in a row that her blood pressure has done very well, and she's gaining strength daily. I think she may be more "ready" than I am. I'm going to worry about her a bit, at least for the first few days. I'll be checking on her several times a day, though, and I've put our number in her speed dial on her cell phone (which, thanks to Bill, she's very much enjoyed this past few days). Can you believe it? A near-83-year-old who had a severe heart attack and was put on life support is back living independently less than two weeks later! A MIRACLE - there's just no other word for it!

Twist and Shout

2009-02-14T06:36:00.000-08:00

Life has brought some unexpected twists and turns to our lives of late, and some of them were catastrophic. Given where I've come from emotionally, I was bracing myself to make an attempt to deal with everything in a calm, sane manner. The first night of Mom's severe heart attack was a bomb for me. Seeing her actually have the attack was the most devastating thing I've ever witnessed. Although Don had a heart attack, his didn't exhibit the bodily violence hers did. After that initial shock, though, I've felt the arms of the Holy Spirit wrap around me and pick me up, carrying me above the circumstances. Miraculously, Mom's been home with us since Tuesday. She continues to improve on a daily basis. Good thing, because Don has been a bit weaker the last couple days. I took Mom to her own house for a little while yesterday while I went to the grocery store, and she did fine. She's going to spend the day there today, having lunch with one of the granddaughters. Her blood pressure, which had habitally been going lower and lower throughout the day, actually did the opposite yesterday - it went up!

Do you remember the "Twist and Shout" era? The couples would twist, jump and shake, smiling the whole time. It looked painful and wearying, but they were having great fun. That's the way it's been the last few months around our house. We've had lots of things thrown at uis, and it seems that we're having to twist, jump and shake our way through, but the victory shout is still in our hearts! We're winners. God is smiling upon us as he brings Mom back to her old self and showers His grace and mercy on me and Don.